2002-12-13 | 7:14 p.m.

corduroy licorice wouldn't give his girlfriend any play. even when she asked him for the copy of the ibsen one he'd never liked.

***

*holiday times* are *sparkly* times.

as i dusted eyeshadow across my browline in preparation for my company's holiday party, i realized that the pimple of holiday promise was at its peak capacity at that moment. from there on out the events of the season were gonna frantically spin and spit like a unknotted balloon let loose to gush its hot squeaky air around the room. it's all fun while it lasts, but over too quickly--leaving you feeling like a saggy piece of soggy latex come january 2.

after i finished my make-up, i headed east to downtown l.a. to the hella hip "the standard" hotel--a retro-meets-modern, clockwork orange of a social landing pad. once in the rooftop bar, you find yourself suspended among the skyscrapers like some kind of hollywood studio soundstage. let's just say i'm all about it.

a highlight of the evening for me was wearing a vintage skirt that i had hidden away in my closet for years. finally this vintage treasure had found its reason for being. despite the threats of a chilly night, i insisted on wearing the camisole that went oh-so-loverly well with the skirt. add in a velveteen wrap, mary jane patents and satiny elbow-length gloves and you've got a look that would make audrey hepburn take a permanent roman holiday.

as i'd hoped, the reviews were raves. everyone complimented my get-up and seemed impressed by the transformation from my everyday jeans-wearing work persona. the trippy thing was, a few of civilians who were sharing our rooftop were as impressed as my coworkers. i was a little bit disoriented by the marked increase in male attention. what goes on? but then i figured it out. it was the gloves. men seem to love gloves on women like men love boots on women.

i've been brewing a theory on the appeal of boots for quite awhile, but the glove thing just confirmed it. as alanis would say, here's my take: a woman's leg in a boot resembles another fleshy appendage that is longer than it is wide, which also seems most at home enveloped by a sheathing that fits like a second skin. i don't know if you're with me here. let me be more explicit: woman's leg = male member. woman's boot = the holiest of holys. and the glove effect dovetails with the boot theory like only a glove could. women's arm = ...well, you get it.

bottom line: i need to start wearing evening gloves everywhere! now, i'm not knocking boots, but think how glamorous gloves would look when worn while squeezing melons at the market, pumping gas or eating burritos. it's going to do wonders for my social life, i can already tell.

the first dude who was smitten by my mittens was a broad-shouldered, shaved head sort with a rather furry coat on. he approached with the line, "that's the perfect martini outfit." not a bad opener. especially since i was holding a martini glass. we chatted for awhile, during which time he lowered himself into the seated position at my table. my friend l-girl who was sitting next to me stuck around for introductions and then cleverly excused herself.

so dude #1 was interesting. a playwright in his own right. but a bit pretentious. and a bit too comfortable with us talking mostly about him. not that i mind focusing the spotlight on guest stars, but a little more give and take would've be nice.

my friends from work were trying to figure out what was going on with this guy, including one girl who motioned "who's he?" to me from her spot at the bar. i shot her a "i dunno" shrug. i was actually enjoying myself talking to him, but people leaving the party kept saying goodbye, etc., so it wasn't the most focused chat. he finally excused himself and said it was nice talking and maybe he'd catch up with me later. well, that never happened, but my ego was much obliged by him all the same. as c-girl said, "that was a good opening line. it's too bad he was full of lines about himself."

dude #2 was drunk. stinking drunk. by this time, l-girl had returned to get the scoop on dude #1. dude #2 sat himself down without much ceremony and then began to struggle with forming sentences. he was able to let us know he was from out of town on a sales trip. he also was able to slur that i had a very nice demeanor. well, the drunker he got, demeanor i got. l-girl, in a flash of brilliance, called the ever chivalrous tv zero over to rescue me.

"tell the drunk dude that tv zero is your boyfriend. that should make him want to leave."

as tv bowed his head over our whisperings, he got the skinny on what his role would be.

"but won't it look weird when i leave the party now without you?" queried tv.

"we have a very trusting relationship," i answered, wanting the jig to be jogged.

"this is my boyfriend, jonathan," i said by way of false introduction to drunk dude.

"hi," greeted jonathan warmly, "what's your name? oh, nice to meet you."

then to me: "i'm going to the restroom, honey. see you later." then he gave me a peck on the cheek and departed. the kiss was a nice touch, i thought. good thinking, tv.

i turned back towards drunk guy in time to see his bedenimed posterior ambling elsewhere. i guess even through a stoli fog the word "boyfriend" can still register with amazing negativity.

the rest of the evening was good conversation with my favorite people, like a-girl, who rescued me from much awful small talk as we savored our salmon dinners, and a-boy and his charming girlfriend. and, of course, there was the infamous sxb who was spreading holiday cheer roofwide with free ass grabs for all. (he also gave me the idea for the subject line of this entry. thanks, sxb!)

as i drove out of the parking lot, a homeless man missing too many teeth approached my car with his thirsty-two-ouncer cup extended. i waved him off with a smile and a "sorry," but he kept standing there and my light was red. i sized him up. he looked pretty harmless for a downtrodden denizen. i rolled down my window and dropped a couple of dollars into his cup.

"thanks so much!" he enthused. "god bless you. and if you ever need anything, come to me. my name is jonathan. if you ever need anything, i'll be here."

overall, it was a lovely night and a terrific way to start draining the whitehead of holiday fun.

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