2002-12-09 | 9:19 p.m.

corduroy licorice liked to preach to the converted. he'd stand outside his local church, and as the parishioners left the sanctuary, would ask, "are you saved, my brother?"

***

one can always count on the wry wit of idiomatic. she suggested an entertaining edit to something i wrote last week:

"at the risk of sounding incredibly crass, it's too bad that this:

'the conspiracy theory includes a serendipitous chance to spread my wings in a wicked cool new way.

hot damn, i say. hot damn.'

doesn't read:

'the conspiracy theory includes a serendipitous chance to spread my�legs in a wicked cool new way.

hot damn, i say. hot damn.'

now that - that - would be something to day 'hot damn' about."

she's as funny as she is right, that idio is.

***

sometimes the the news is funnier than any comedy sketch, like with this excerpt from an article about the winona ryder conviction:

"the two-time academy award nominee, who was convicted last month of felony grand theft and vandalism for the theft a year ago at the beverly hills store.

she was sentenced after defense attorney mark geragos charged that prosecutors did not treat her like any other defendant, and got a felony conviction 'after they have done everything possible to try to destroy this woman.'"

"geragos acknowledged some 'aberrant behavior' by ryder but called her classy.

in a victim's statement, saks fifth avenue general counsel kenneth metzner told the judge that ryder made tv appearances after her arrest that made light of the crime.

he said shoplifting is serious, costing saks more than $7 million last year. that money could have gone to employee benefits and other purposes but 'instead it went to criminals,' he said. ryder appeared to smile at that moment."

***

saturday night, i had the honor of hanging out with the charming duo of tv zero and fade in. we watched a line-up of improv comedy shows, which ranged from yawnfully awkward to pretty darn clever. as we walked down the sidewalk after the show, we recalled some of the funnier bits. then tv and fade had to bring up the naughtier bits:

"those girls in the show were hilarious. and they both had really nice breasts," remarked tv.

"they did!" agreed fade heartily.

i think that was actually the funniest moment of the evening for me. venus and mars, yo.

sunday evening, i went to the housewarming party of an old improv classmate of mine. as an added bonus, meeting me there were two of my super-cool improvette alumni girls. the host was the guy who i unsuccessfully hit on a couple of years back. when he didn't respond to my interest back then, my self-image insisted on surmising that he might be gay. i mean, we had had simulated sex in front of our classmates in one scene, but maybe he had just been faking faking it?

as time went on, i started noticing how he never mentioned going on dates and never expressed any interest in the female species. then i went to his housewarming this weekend and the team he is on was confirmed with glorious certainty. he had decorated the place himself and it was luxe and gor-ge-ous. right out of a magazine, as they say. plus, the spread was delish. all kinds of gourmet goodies. oh, hell yeah, he must be gay. no straight guy has that much taste and savoir faire unless he pays a decorator and caterer to bring it in for him. oh yeah, and then there are his two gay roommates, one of whom seems par-ti-cu-lar-ly fond of my former crush.

i feel like i've been cast in a folger's coffee commercial of sexuality. they've replaced the fine straight guys usually served with equally fine homosexual men. the only problem is that when it comes to girls, those gay blokes never have a second come at home.

now, that's crass!

***

more lovely lyrics from sxb.

<----������� ---->