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2004-11-17 | 10:05 p.m.

my friend a-boy and i recently unearthed a series of letters that were sent between two neighbors during an anything-but-neighborly dispute.

please peruse at your leisure.

***

Dear Mr. Pixiedish-
This business with the penguins has to be put to a stop.
Regards,
Mr. Quitherfeather

***

FROM THE DESK OF M. COURAGE PIXIEDISH

Dear Mr. Quitherfeather,
Its with great anger I respond to your previous letter sent on November Seventeenth of 2004. You have inserted yourself into a situation that I dare say you should not be privy to.

The land I purchased on the 18th of June in 1999 consists of 43 acres of land in the California desert. I used $58,223.00 earned from years of toiling in the urban gutters of Los Angeles as a hot dog vendor. The price of the land was $58,223.00, so by my calculations you do not own one piece of the 43 acres of land I purchased in the California desert.

In case you skipped the previous paragraph I have conveniently retyped it below.

The land I purchased on the 18th of June in 1999 consists of 43 acres of land in the California desert. I used $58,223.00 earned from years of toiling in the urban gutters of Los Angeles as a hot dog vendor. The price of the land was $58,223.00, so by my calculations you do not own one piece of the 43 acres of land I purchased in the California desert.

Rather than retype the above paragraph, I will simply type three dots. Those three dots represent the paragraph above that I want you to be sure you have read. When you see three dots below, please look to the above paragraph (or the second paragraph in this letter) to see what it is I am referencing. Believe me, that paragraph is important, and I want to make sure you have read it before reading what is to come.

...

Now that were all caught up. I will serve my point: Please stop looking over my fence onto my property. The penguins signed releases.
With all the relish I could muster,
Mr. M. Courage Pixiedish

***

Dear M. Courage Pixiedish-
I fear I must caution you on your rampaging superciliousness! My god, dear sir, you address me as if I was a child suffering from attention deficit disorder who has just ingested 14 cans of Red Bull. The repetition of your key point was wholly unnecessary and excessively condescending.

I regret that my comment about the penguins ellicted such a hostile reply from you. I do not, nor do my lawyers, care one whit about any alleged release forms the penguins may or may not have signed. Purely based on their inherent anatomical and motor skill limitations, I question the veracity of the statement that these creatures were able to sign anything of their own will. This begins to get to the very heart of the matter, my frank-funded neighbor, which is your unmitigated selfishness with regard to the well-being of these penguins and that of your long-suffering neighbors.

Outside of the explanation that you were raised by wolves who were fond of having polar wildlife about, I see no way a reasonable human being could not call on their cognitive reason and determine that this lifestyle is not one that your fellow home owners of the high desert could appreciate, much less endure.

Instead of sending a flurry of foul-mouthed insults your way, I will type a series of three dots.

...

As you look at the three dots above, I would like you to think of the worse expletive your gray matter can muster and then visualize me saying that phrase to you with much repulsion and spittle-issuing gusto as I throw a glass of triple distilled 12-year-old Scotch into your face, staining your silken ascot with no hope of dry cleaning salvation.
Irretrievably irate,

Mr. Quitherfeather

***

Mr. Quitherfeather,
I have filed a lawsuit at the Los Angeles Court House on behalf of my client, Mr. M. Courage Pixiedish, against you and the Quitherfeather Lapis Lazuli Refinement Concern regarding libelous claims made in a recent letter to my client. I trust that you and your attorney will see fit to appear in court to attempt to defend your actions.

Mr. Pixiedish has suffered irrevocable injuries to his psyche, which were previously damaged in a disastrous staring game my client had with what later turned out to be a pair of his own glasses resting atop a banana.

Our lawsuit cites extremely foul and uncivilized punctuation which shall not be repeated in this letter. Suffice to say you underestimated the imagination my client has when it comes to expletives.
Peter J. Greevley, Jr.
The Law Offices of Fine, Howard, and Fine

<---- ---->


take a peek at these - (c) 2000-2003 nictate:

health tip
2005-03-16

health tip
2005-03-16

moving house
2004-11-19

quibbling with quitherfeather
2004-11-17

catcher in the wry
2004-11-16