2001-06-18 | 4:54 a.m.

corduroy licorice was like a fish out of water. he was often damp and would flap around making bubbly noises.

***

how come there isn't a special interest group for crazy cat ladies?

there certainly are enough of them, plus, they are quite often the butt of jokes. i smell a class action suit...or should i say, claws action suit...it's a subject ripe for littergation. heheh ho!

but, yeah, like i was saying...crazy cat ladies get all the heat. what about crazy dog ladies, eh? they slip right under the radar, don't they now?

why do i bring this up, you ask? because just this week i've met two crazy dog ladies.

crazy dog lady #1 lives in the apartment building across from mine. she is in her 60s and recently moved in. she evidently hid the fact that she had a little, yippy dog from the landlord. neighbors have complained. the dog doesn't bother me. it makes less noise than the three-year-old boy in the apartment next door.

so i was taking out the trash one evening when crazy dog lady #1 walked up my driveway with her barking sidekick bringing up the rear.

"do you live here?" she asked, her hair frizzed-out and her eyes bugged-out.

"yes," i answered.

"i'm hiding. they want to take my dog away."

"oh, so you're going for a walk?"

"no," she said, lowering her voice into a dramatic hiss, leaning into me and bugging her eyes out ever-so-slightly more, "i'm HIIIIDING!" it was as if the gestapo was after her.

"ok," i shrugged, not sure what to do. she went to hide out in the backyard while the landlord and neighbors waved their rental agreements about and knocked on doors and shook their heads. crazy dog lady #1 sat out of sight, regally posed on a rotting rattan chair. i was rooting for the underdog.

crazy dog lady #2 is a check-out clerk at a local drugstore. i first noticed her when i was about three people back in line. she was talking a blue streak about allergies and people who thoughtlessly wore too much perfume and teenagers who sampled all the make-up counter scents and then paraded through her check-out line, oblivious to her nasal challenges.

i also noticed that none of the customers were actually keeping up their end of the conversation. they were staring at her, slightly fearful, as they chuckled nervously and took their change. she also had a running commentary on each person's purchases as she pulled them across the scanner screen.

"$6.98...pretty good deal. $2.49...not so good. stocking up on supplies, i see. ah, a coffee pot...you're going to make a cup for me? how nice! can i see your i.d.? oh, you're a baby! anyone under 40 is a baby...haha!"

and then the capper, as she handed the girl in front of me her change:

"you know what you should do with this money? spend it on doggies. there's nothing i like better than a nice doggy."

then it was my turn in line. i got the same routine, including the doggy line. what the hell? i need saline solution, lady, i can't be buying chew toys for some hypothetical pup!

so you see, the crazy cat ladies' reign is being threatened. you think i'm crazy? ha! crazy like a fox terrier.

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