2000-08-21 | 05:34:51

how do i do it? i just do it.

no, that's not a paraphrase of the nike slogan...it's from a john leguizamo sketch on his old show "house of buggin'." he played a very non-pc character. a japanese talk show host named koji (sp?) with a ham-handed accent. the character would say that he amazed people all the time and that they would ask him: "how do you do it, koji?" his huge-grinned response: "how do i do it? i just do it!" i think i'm probably the only one in america (besides john himself) who remembers that line. i use it occasionally, but it is always greeted by a confused or blank look. ah, well. it makes me grin.

anyway, back to the main plot...

lately i've really been spilling my guts in my journal here. i'm not sure why. i'm a very shy person in person. i've been getting more outgoing in recent years, but still, most people have the first impression of me being quiet and reserved. once i feel comfortable around someone, i can be a mad crazy cut-up. for real.

as far as personal stories shared face-to-face, i don't reveal much unless i feel the other person really cares to hear it.

so why here? a relatively public place? to a potentially worldwide group of people i've never met? including people clicking over from google looking for safe threesomes and bathroom stenciling tips? or safe bathroom stenciling threesomes?

i don't know.

people keep asking me, too. each ring of fire i lower myself into, i get concerned/congratulatory notes. people wondering how i can put my heart-wrenching tales out there for anyone to pick through. a very close friend told me that she is concerned my candidness could be used against me later. my mom hopes it's anonymous. (by the way, my mom doesn't read this page. that is one thing that would make me choke. her daughter using the "f" word with random abandon? and bemoaning about her libido to people in different time zones?! um, that's my libido i'm bemoaning, by the way, not my mom's. oh, and no co-workers read this either, except my two peeps in the oficina who are just as wacked as i am. if other co-workers find it by accident (snoops!), oh well, but otherwise, don't ask, don't tell.)

despite my mom's concerns about privacy, this journal feels relatively anonymous to me. even though i know certain friends read it. i've censored myself a bit to protect the innocent, but mostly i've layed things as bare as i could. i'm not worried about me as much as that i could potentially hurt someone by being so damn honest. it could happen. actually, it already has. fortunately, i learned my lesson. amends were made and the subject of my thoughtlessness was very cool about it. very cool. whew! thank you. you know who you are!

part of the balls-to-the-wall sharing i've been doing is because i'm here typing in the privacy of my incredibly hip retro pad. sanitary interaction! you can't beat it.

wanna hear a secret? it feels damn good. damn good. it is completely therapeutic. it helps me exorcise thoughts that ping-pong in my head, and make a bit more sense of them. it helps me document my emotions in an easily deletable format. i feel that if i hold back, it will show and my writing will suffer. or at least that i'll feel i compromised. gotta live outloud. try to turn it up to eleven, you know?

i really owe diaryland creator andrew a lot! not $75 an hour a lot, but a lot! and i owe my friend andre, who introduced me to the whole diaryland phenomenon and made me find a new love for the internet. not only have i gotten to IV-drip my creative juices into the www mix, i've discovered very cool writers who have become pen pals and friends. including ultrasparky, whose own entry about how his web journal has affected his life inspired me to write this.

part of my emotional exhibitionism can be traced back to the comedy improv training i've been taking over the past year. it took a lot to get me out there swinging, but it has really made me more bold. less frightened of what people may think. more willing to be myself...since that is my unique selling proposition, after all. as my teacher says, don't edit yourself...go with whatever "falls" into your mouth. at first it's scary...then it's fucking freeing.

it feels right to do this. risky as it may seem...or be.

when someone writes to tell me that i touched them, or that they relate, or that what i wrote makes them want to give me a hug via e-mail, it makes me realize even more that this is a good thing. it can't be wrong when it feels so right. just ask debbie boone.

you dig deep, you reap deep, i think. the love you take is equal to the love you make.

people are too uptight. people hesistate to touch and hug and say how much they care. i'm gonna do what i can to melt the boundaries. show the love. in my small page. in my small stories. in my small biosphere of hardy-har-hars and emotions tartare.

how do i do it? i just do it!

would you do the same? i'd love to read your guts.

"a human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space. he experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. this illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us. our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature."

- albert einstein*

* i just quoted albert einstein. am i pithy or what?! actually, kismet sent me that quote just today via my friend patricia. ties in nicely, dontcha think?

<----������� ---->