2002-01-07 | 7:07 p.m.

corduroy licorice read palms. he had an uncanny ability to detect if the gardener wasn't watering them enough or if tree rats had taken up residence in them.

***

have you ever met an agnostic chihuahua? me neither.

***

i forgot to tell you that i saved a life over my christmas vacation.

well, it wasn't just me who did the saving. it was a team effort.

see, my sister, our friend al-girl and me were heading up the hiking trail one weekend morning when this chick comes running down the trail. i was immediately annoyed. trail runners bug me. they're such over-achievers.

"do you any of you guys have a cell phone?" she asked, breathlessly.

"no," we answered. she kept running.

the three of us stood there and tried to figure out what had just happened. we remarked that the girl had looked kinda freaked out, but why didn't she say more? we shrugged and kept walking. about 20 minutes later, we heard a woman ahead of us on the trail yelling, "help! my husband's having a heart attack! does anyone have a cell phone? call 911!"

oh, boy. this wasn't going to be a nice, peaceful, back-to-nature workout for us gals no more. since al-girl and my sister are both nurses, they set their jaws and ran off to the rescue. i heard people's voices on another part of the trail and yelled to them asking about a cell phone. they answered that they had one and told me they'd call 911.

i overheard cell phone guy describing the location to the 911 operator, but he was being super vague. i went charging up the hill to ask my sister which trail we were on. once i found out, i went charging back to yell it up to the invisible phone guy. he said help was on the way, so i headed back to the victim and his wife.

the man was sitting on a rock in an imitation bill cosby sweater and looked pretty OK. his wife kept wanting to pat him on the back reassuringly, but it hurt his overpressurized chest so he'd scold her to stop it. al-girl took his pulse and asked him if he could lay down, but the trail was too rocky and cold. my sister started hiking up to the fire road to wave down any emergency vehicles. the guy was in a tough spot, literally. he was halfway up this two-mile trail. we couldn't figure out how anyone could carry him out on a gurney.

pretty soon a girl charged down the trail past my sister and said determinedly, "help is on the way!" when she got to the scene, she announced assertively, "my name is susan! i know first aid! do i have your permission to give you aspirin?!" the man nodded "yes" to susan the aspirin giver.

next thing you know, a rescue helicopter is bobbing nearby in the sky. the man said, "i always wanted to ride in a helicopter, but not this way." at this point, my sister and i were up higher on the trail, but al-girl was in the heat of combat. she helped the rescue guys who were lowered from the copter as they got an I.V. going. the helicopter was blowing dust, leaves and medical supply wrappers everywhere. they got the guy into a basket gurney and hoisted him up. the basket was slowly spinning in circles as they raised him high above the mountainside. that ride would have given me a heart attack!

so the rescue was complete. we were good sams for a day. after all that, my sister still made us finish the butt-busting hike. no wonder she's earned the trail nickname of "rambo."

after all that, we treated ourselves to mexican food at one of our favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants...and who walks in? the actor jason lee. dude! he was with a pretty blonde who my friends told me later is his wife. he looked really happy to be with her...leaning forward and being all bouncy in his chair. he is a cute guy, but kinda average looking, too.

what a whirlwind of a day, i tell you. this l.a. life is high stakes, no brakes stuff, yo, yo.

***

last night p-girl and i had dinner at my favorite sushi place with steve guttenberg. i'm not one to brag, so i'll admit he was at a different table. our japanese hostess was very happy to have another celebrity in the house.

"what is his name?" she asked us. after we informed her, she said, "oh, he is nice...and very cute!"

so now i've had dinner with chris issak, harrison ford and steve guttenberg there.

"you bring famous people when you come!" the hostess grinned at me.

that's right, chiquita. maybe it's time to throw some comped edamame my way, whaddya say?

after all, i am the edamame vigilante.

hi ho miso and away!

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