2001-04-24 | 4:25 a.m.

corduroy licorice gave up the ghost when he was 11. he was really tired of the other kids teasing him about his casper fan club membership.

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i wrote yesterday about the dangers of making a love interest too important. i believe what i wrote to be true and i hope to one day live by my own advice. it's just that from past experience, i know myself to be the poster child for sacrificing my own importance for that of my boy of choice.

i was such a johnny-come-lately into the dating world. i got most of my ideas of what dating was about by reading. kinda like gidget. i read teen beat to see what leif garrett wanted in a girl. i read seventeen magazine to find out how to win a guy over. i read are you there god? it's me, margaret and a bunch of other judy blume books to figure out everything else about teenhood.

i had so much time to think about the boyfriend i didn't have, i formulated how i would be the perfect girlfriend once he did come along. i wouldn't nag. i'd give him thoughtful gifts. i would let him hang out with the guys. i would smell like love's baby soft cologne and be kissable at all times.

so at the ripe old age of 25, i got myself my first boyfriend. and i did a pretty darn good job of following through with my perfect girlfriend plans. i piled on the presents and sent a little note in the mail each week to let him know i loved him. i didn't complain. i didn't put on pressure to commit. i didn't even say the "m" word. i let him plan what we'd do, where we'd eat. i was at his beck and call, sacrificing time with other friends.

after we broke up, i realized that being the perfect girlfriend had not paid off like i'd hoped. i wasn't rewarded with a boyfriend who attempted to be perfect. if anything, i think my presumed "perfection" (heheh. using the term oh-so-loosely.) was part of what led to the inevitable end of things.

my next three relationships were par for the course. me putting the guy way-to-far-ahead first. especially with desert storm. i swallowed a lot of jagged big pills with that fella. pills i should have tossed back at him.

after each break-up, the normal sadness/anger trauma was intensified by the realization that i had sold myself short. i had made unnecessary, unhealthy sacrifices to get and keep love...but ended up losing love and a whole lot of self-respect.

considering how my most recent relationship went, i'm making some progress. partially thanks to the emotional maturity of the fellow involved.

it's a tough balance to be the kind of person i want to be (sweet, nice and giving), as well as an advocate of self--in dating as well as life in general--but i'm giving it my best shot. here's hoping my aim is true.

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