2000-09-01 | 07:02:58

"i need a stallion. i want to make the most of my 'dirty thirties.' i am revved and ready to go! women can be a right pain if they are not getting it, and i haven't had it for seven months." -rachel hunter

i never thought i'd say this, but rachel hunter, you and me are likethis.

in former entries, the ones that make me blush the most upon recall, i have bemoaned my lack of horizontal act-che-o-nay. i hesitate to pick up that banner again, but alas, when something is burning a hole in your brain, it's tough to make small talk about ellen and anne's break-up, yaknow?

yes, folks, i'm still horny after all these years. oh, bleh. the shame of it. my complaining to you about this. it's just kinda wrong, don't you think? kinda messed up? and yet i type on...

at times, i have considered partaking in a glorified booty call to alleviate the sexual tension. i figured a little romp with a pal would be just fine and dandy. i knew i could handle it. no strings. no calls the next day. no flowers. just good old-fashioned making "like."

now i realize i probably couldn't pull it off.

i want the whole package. i know a romp would leave me wanting more. well, yes, more romping, of course. the pump is primed, mkay? not unlike the former mrs. rod stewart--heh, i said "rod," heh heh--i, too, am familiar with the dirty thirties phenomenon. whoever i do romp with next is gonna be sated and twitterpaited, if i have anything to do with it. and i will, by definition, have something to do with it.

but, yes, i be wanting all that and a bag of chips, not one of them broken. ok, some of them can be broken. after all, some settling may occur during packing and shipment. no one is perfect. i sure ain't.

perfection ain't the goal here.

marriage ain't the goal here.

connection? goal here.

connection with affection? amen, brother. can i get a witness?!

do you realize how many guys i've met over the past two years? (by the way, "met" is not a euphemism for anything else, andre.)

here is a look at my stats since the spring of '98:

season totals, '98-00

new guys met: 50

guys flirted with, with intent: 10

misread signals: 2

digits retrieved: 8

digits given: 4

dates gone on: 12 (some were repeats)

guys kissed: 5

guys kissed - career total: 10

eyelashes batted in: 4,000

home runs: 0

one look at these numbers, and it becomes clear:

i'm about to lose my condom endorsement contract.

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