2000-08-11 | 07:50:26

boys are gross.

for real.

i mean, i always knew that. since for awhile. girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice and boys are made of um, snails and puppy dog tails.

this isn't a cooties thing, mind you. it's a boys say gross things thing. like, ALL the time. to sugar and spice girls, like ME! hmpf!

why the apercu? this week i was taking my constitutional (i.e., e-flirting with cute boys) and found myself on three separate occasions, during three separate seemingly normal conversations with seemingly cool corresponders of the male ilk, facing an irrefutable fact: boys say gross things. unprompted gross things. impolite gross things. throwing-cold-water-on-flirting-fire things.

exhibit a:

IM'ing cute nyc peep. he takes a bit long responding at one point. i ask: "busy at work?" his response? "no, i just got back from the toilet."

gross! joke or no, gross!

exhibit b:

e-mailing bahamian bisexual for clandestine flirting on the melodramatic tip. i tell him he has a way with quotes. he thanks me for the flattery and lobs back this treasure:

"The toilet! Best place in God's creation/Where you can sit in contemplation/Your dreams are on the wall before your eyes/Your accomplishments below you drawing flies."

two words: check, please!

exhibit c:

e-mailing new political pundit friend about missing stephanie who just moved to new york. he comforts:

"you still have e-mail. i could be in kansas now for all you know. i could be in a house in the middle of nowhere with a rusty porch and a view of two dogs fucking."

ok. groooooOOOOOoooossss.

why? eh? why must loogies by hocked in such a manner?

is it like conversational pigtail pulling? i know boys veer towards the scatalogical naturally. they're hot-wired that way. but there is a time and place for defecation and animal reproduction references and it ain't in the middle of "hey baby girl, what's shaking?"

how did these fellows perceive that such statements would curry them any favor with moi? suitors or no, i see no explanation for these infractions of flirting action.

boys are gross. this is a reality i have to deal with. defecation, puking and farting, like ebony and ivory. side by side on their keyboard. oh lord, why must this be reality?

speaking of reality, do you think reality changes? i mean, certain realities change, but not reality itself, right? this one friend and i were arguing the fact. he said yes, sure, uh-huh, reality is not a constant. i say, reality IS a constant, it's our perception of reality that changes. however, chew on this...

your perception is your reality.

my reality? boys are gross.

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