2000-08-10 | 05:03:56

man, i can hardly wait to tell you my desert storm story. but first things first.

between detroit and desert storm there came a pale rider.

now, calling something that lasted two months a relationship seems like a case of stretching it to me, but there are certain aspects to this boy's story that i will never tire of telling.

hmmm, but what to nickname him? hmmm...i've got it! he shall be known to you as luke skywalker. luke, for short.

why, you ask? well, because star wars figures prominently in this tale of womantic woe.

luke and i met at work. we were employed by a fairly big video game company, and were officed in separate buildings. our paths didn't cross very often. this made the dating-a-coworker thing more palatable. if things went awry, avoidance would be assured.

i was sent over to talk to him because of a project. again, there had been a several month lapse since i had parted ways with detroit. the pump was primed, as it were. i was looking to meet.

luke was tall, kinda lanky, but with a bit of a bloop by his belt--his belly, silly people! his cheeks were chubby, his hair, hangdog shaggy, his eyes sweet and sleepy. he walked around the office in his socks and had a very kind demeanor. my take-away? likable teddy bear.

we had to meet once more on the project. then we started e-mailing. we had fun flirting. i was getting kinda excited about lukey.

i need to back-up a bit. see, there was this other guy at work. a guy we fondly know as desert storm.

desert storm was fucking hilarious and he had these beady black eyes that burned with intelligence and hatred. sexy.

during the months of detroit recovery, i began to nurse a crush on desert storm. i tried to talk myself out of liking him. it was obvious the boy was trouble...and troubled. but he was pulling a serious jedi mind trick on my libido.

i tried and tried to garner his praise and yea, his adoration. alas, nothing had come to pass. he liked me as a buddy who could crack wise, but had no interest in a meeting of the thighs.

about the time luke entered the picture, i was giving up on my desert storm dreams.

so, back to skywalker boy. hee haw. we had lunch one day. our first date. he got a plain hamburger. just meat and bun. said he didn't like fancy flavors. mainly just ate plain hamburgers and spaghetti with plain sauce. this concerned me. i enjoy food to a dangerous degree. i like weird food combinations like blueberries in balsamic and curry and thai and...ah, hell, everything. i worried that he wouldn't be up for any of that. bummer.

we went out on seven dates before he kissed me. i remember it was seven because i was getting really p.o.'ed about it. no kiss on the first two dates was charming. what a gentleman! no kiss on the next couple of dates...hmm, a bit of concern. this may be taking polite too far. the next couple dates...would you make a fucking move?! geez!

so he finally undid his seatbelt and leaned over to kiss me in my car after a trip to disneyland. i kept thinking, "ok, now, touch my breast! touch my breast! boy, do you know how long it's been? touch my freakin' ass breast!" i was tempted to take his hand and put it there. my esp must have finally found an open line. he began the feeling up process...tentatively, at best.

we kissed for a couple weeks. i had never kissed anyone for so long in one sitting in my life. my lips were all chapped. it was sweet. old-fashioned, even. if i remember right, and i do, no clothing was removed during this relationship. we never made it past second base.

one night he was kissing me goodnight in front of my apartment. we were in his parked car. in the midst of the romantic moment, a high-pitched humming approached from behind and grew louder and louder until it rushed past us like a squadron of bumblebees. then it dimmed just as quickly in the other direction.

"moped," he mumbled, mid-kiss. we both cracked-up laughing.

he was as sweet as dutch apple pie. he bought me a president's day gift, for god's sake! the soundtrack for a movie we had seen together. but absolutely no backbone whatsoever. he would call me the day of a date to let me know that if something better came up and i needed to cancel, that'd be ok. arrrrrr! i wanted to shake some self-esteem into him!

and then the fateful valentine's date when he insisted on reservations at a semi-chic steak place. the only catch? i was observing a vegetarian diet at the time. ok, so salad and potato, no problem. but the other catch? he could only get a reservation for 10:30 p.m. i told him the fancy food wasn't necessary. he insisted. he said he made the reservations under "abe froman." heh heh. the sausage king of chicago. heh, heh. well, he hadn't. he just used his plain old name when he checked in at the desk. want more? ok, he once used the phrase "cool beans" in an e-mail. can you believe that shit? i loathe the phrase, "cool beans." even more than i loathe the word, "hottie." the little disappointments were adding up, as you can see.

ok, are you ready for the heap big turning point? heh heh. and away we go...

i had never asked luke who his father was...haha! psyche! you fell for that one, man. ahaha! but seriously, i had never asked how old luke was. for some reason, i felt awkward about it. i figured he was about detroit's age, 28. maybe a year younger. i was 31 at the time.

luke, ironically enough, was a huge star wars fan. HUGE. he had all the toys. when the trilogy was rereleased he'd be there for the first two showings of each.

one night he and i went to the movies. people were lined up for one of the star wars pics. luke had seen it twice, days before, of course. as we strolled past the motley lucas fans, i came upon the perfect way to inquire as to his age.

"hey luke," i began, "how old were you when star wars first came out?"

"um...hmm. i guess five?"

i did the math. and i suck at math. oh my god, i thought, he is only 25! oh my god!

"oh my god!" i said, "i am soooo much older than you! oh my god!"

"what?!" he asked, "what's wrong? are you ok?"

"you're only 25! i'm so much older than you!"

he kinda winced and looked confused.

"um, um. i think i did my math wrong," he said, and reached for his wallet. he handed me his driver's license. i guess he figured it would be better if i heard it from the state of california.

he had JUST turned 22. JUST. like one month before.

commence lori freak-out. we somehow made it to our seats. he was trying to reassure me. it was ok. he didn't care. his last girlfriend was 28. it didn't matter to him that i was older.

"are you ok?" he queried, looking panicked.

"um, yeah. sure," i tried to buy some time to think. "um, yeah. age is just a number, right?"

age is just a number. my date had turned into an after-school special.

he soothed my concerns a bit as we leaned against his car in the theater parking lot after the film. i was kinda ok with it, but...but...almost ten years' difference? that was tempting the law of thermodynamics or some shit.

things were never quite the same those next two weeks. those last two weeks.

re-enter desert storm. who noticed me carousing with young luke. suddenly, my stock went up. i was a tradeable commodity.

i still had a torch for old stormy and the whole plain-eatin', barely legal drinkin', backbone lackin' of luke was not a strong enough tie to hold me back from my pre-existing condition.

there was a disturbance in the force. desert storm and i went out "as friends." there was a kiss at some point. more about that night in my next entry.

once i had locked lips with desert storm, i knew that i could never do so with luke again. the contrast of the two was almost shocking...my path clear. he was not the droid i was looking for. desert storm had turned into a desert storm trooper and won the heart of princess leia. yeah, i just referred to myself as princess leia. hey! it's my diary! i can be a princess if i want!

luke and i had a date planned for a friday after work. i knew i could not sit through a date knowing what i would be telling him at the end of the evening. looking across the table at that puppy dog face i was about to rub into you-know-what.

i cancelled the date on the grounds of a headache. later that night, the evil phone call. he kept asking why. needed to be assured it wasn't the age thing.

i had invited him to a bill mahrer performance before the dumpage. i told him we could still go as friends, if he wasn't too uncomfortable. he said yes. wrong answer. it felt awkward laughing next to someone who i had just kinda smushed like an offending insect.

when we left, he needed to talk about it more. as we picked over and over the rubble, his twenty-two-year-oldness came to the forefront like never before.

i tell you, at one point, i had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. it was so awful and ridiculous the way he was overreacting. like we had been together for years, not a dozen dates and two bases. poor guy. poor kid. ugh, that's probably the worst thing i've ever done to someone.

i think i talked to him once after that. the "mars attacks" soundtrack i had ordered for him for valentine's had finally come in, so i called him to get his new mailing address. after that, i lost track of him.

last i heard, he was tooling around in a bmw m3 and acting the ego-torqued ass.

i guess he had wrestled some self-esteem from somewhere. a bit too much, evidently. maybe he had decimated a death star since i saw him last. obviously, he had gone over to the dark side. how wude.

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