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2003-06-24 | 11:56 p.m.

one lazy afternoon, corduroy licorice decided to transcribe the lyrics of all his favorite gangsta songs. he ended up with a rap sheet a mile long.


sometimes a friend will throw you a curve ball and you'll be surprised at what you hit back.

this happened recently when andre sent me a random e-mail, which became a random chain, which became funny by accident. at least i think so. see below.



i just had a great idea: a travel guide to mars. totally fiction, but write it like it's a real travel guide. invent shops and hotels with secrets on getting good rates. where to go to get a drink without being bothered by tourists. invent words for locals....fake ads/coupons in the back.

philly: OUT!


crackin' good idea, philly. get your best men on it!



no, you don't understand. i need you to write it. by tonight. i'm going to mars and i'm gonna need it.

philly: hizzzz-OUT


why am i not surprised, c.p.?! this brings back memories of that brilliant plan you hatched to manfacture ring polish for saturn. why, i was up all night measuring and concocting with my test tubes and beakers and then you whizzed up to the planet and got all the acclaim. i'll be damned if i'm gonna let that happen again. good day, sir.

i said good day!


look, the ring polish was a mistake, i know that now. and i'm sorry you ended up spilling the polish on yourself and you glowed for three months. not being able to sleep because your eyelids are shining at 140 lumens must have been torture.

but you were paid twice as much as the next person from the 10% i gave to the crew. if inter-galactic law allowed me to dip into my 90% share of the saturn ring payment, i would most certainly do so. but think of it this way, i bought hawaii. whenever you feel like visiting hawaii, i will most certainly allow you to do so. as long as it is between the hours of 6-11 pm.

chapter 1 needs to recount the surface and geological data of mars. i want to start out with some background of the planet.

next, i'd like to see chapters 2 and 3 deal with transportation and fare schedules.

chapter 4 will be places to eat.

chapter 5 will be places to drink and see a show.

chapter 6 should be local customs, i really want to get into the local pidgin' and mars dialects. i realize it will be tough becoming a local since all locals have tattoos that say "100% MARTIAN" on their foreheads. i know a good dermatologist.

chapter 7 is all about buildings of importance.

chapter 8 should contain local history. i would like no less than five pages about me here.

that should be a good start. 100 chapters sounds like a lot of work, but i know you can do it.

philly: audi 5,000,000


to my everlasting pain in the side captain phil-

i appreciate you admitting that the polish incident was a fiasco. (not to mention the polish incident.) and yes, being my own personal nightlight for a fortnight was a fresh new form of hell.

that said, thank you for extending the hawaii prime time hours to me. you bet your sweet bippy i'll be taking you up on that.

i've reviewed your outline of the book and it sounds reasonably feasible. here is a sample line for each of the first 8 chapters for your review:

chapter 1

mars is known as the red planet, although little is understood as to why it is so embarassed. perhaps it is blushing because it has a crush on a nearby heavenly body.

chapter 2

transportation on mars is limited to jet-propelled scooters. a vespa dealership was opened on the planet in the late '50s and has done a booming business ever since.

chapter 3

fare schedules are based on the peak holiday time of the first two days of march. the steamy climes of september bring the best rates, although you will barely be able to lift your head off the pillow from the insufferable heat.

chapter 4

mars is best known for its chicken piccata. There are a plethora of chicken piccata eateries all along the Western hemisphere. If you don't like chicken, eat on another planet. shuttle service to saturn is available.

chapter 5

the nightlife on mars is "kickination'" and "off the hookeye."* not only can you ply your date with sizzling mint cocktails served in silver chalices, you can dance the night away to top-40 hits like "atmospheric queer."

*see chapter 6 for more local dialect information.

chapter 6

local customs are sure to send visitors into a tailspin. few travelers can relate to the national pride martians display with their ubiquitous forehead tattoos. to those leery of the customs, martians say, "if you don't like it here, order in."

chapter 7

there are no buildings of importance on mars, but wait 'til you get a load of our salad bars.

chapter 8

there is no way to relate the history of mars without first writing at least five pages about the magnificient captain philly of dubuque.

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