2002-10-28 | 7:19 p.m.

corduroy licorice was forced to make a close call. since his neighbor refused to answer his door, corduroy had to phone and leave a message on the guy's answering machine.

***

remember how i was all excited about my day off last week? my day of infinite possibilities or laundry? well, the laundry part came true. five freakin' loads. cold water delicates and all.

why, you ask? not only does every generation have a gap, my water heater vent evidently does, too. which creates a hazardous situation. which causes the gas company to turn off your pilot until you get it fixed. which causes you to have to take cold showers until you can find a handyman or plumber to close the gap. which is harder than it might sound.

between i'll-kill-time-while-i'm-waiting-for-help-by-doing-laundry duties, i was stressing as i tried to hunt down someone to resolve my vent issue. not so easy on a friday with a weekend fast approaching. seems that all these blue collar types want a life, too. want to attend family events and watch the game with the guys, and so forth. never caring that a hapless lass is freezing off her ass under an merciless, icy shower stream.

while dialing handymen, i started thinking how good it would be to have one around the house on a regular basis. i should love a handyman, i decided. what a glorious race. roughshod, manly men who can mcgyver their way through all of life's little inconveniences. single ladies, please note: self-sufficiency is hot.

well, that pedestal i put the handymen of my fantasies upon was soon in need of repair. oh, they said they'd call back on saturday, but did they? oh, they thought they could swing by about 4:30, but did they? no, nyet, uh-uh. i discovered these lackadaisical laborers are like too many other men. they don't call when they say they will and are hesistant to commit to plans. then, when you blow them off, they come back like a nagging cough...leaving message after message, telling you how they're gonna make it all better (heat-resistant tape, blah, blah...), wanting to fix your vent like it's the only handyjob in the l.a. basin. but you know what? no. i won't be toyed with, thank you very much. if i wanted that, i'd date.

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