2001-05-01 | 2:01 a.m.

corduroy licorice was head over heels for his yoga instructor.

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to: chief council, jungle animal union local 5467

from: district 45 representative, cory the giraffe

re: concerns about reality-based tv

dear mr. leroy the lion:

it has come to my recent attention that humankind is cutting into the animal world's tv ratings. ever since the old disney nature films and the tv series "mutual of omaha's wild kingdom," we animals have been natural stars of the big and small screen. our real-life activity has been observed, recorded and commented on. for over four decades, we creatures have had the reality-based tv market cornered. we have entertained, touched, shocked and awed the very people who threaten our tv territory.

with the recent advent of shows such as "cops" and "survivor," it has become apparent that humans are now cashing in on the formula that was once distinctly our own. this concerns me deeply. ratings on the animal planet channel are drying up faster than a watering hole in a season of drought.

there was even an incidence of violence during the taping of "survivor 2." a human actor on the show stole camera time away from a warthog who was trying to get his SAG card. the actor's tube sock was gored by the angry beast. this is nothing to sneeze at, mr. lion. of course, the story was kept out of the press. just another example of THE huMAN keeping us down.

i fear that the animal population is becoming a media minority. pretty soon the disclaimer "no animals were harmed during filming" will be replaced with "no animals were filmed during filming." this cannot be allowed. we animals must fight for fair screen time. reality-based tv belongs to us and we must reclaim it. we've let homo sapiens have their sit-coms, news magazines and hour-long dramas. why must they shrink our broadcast biosphere even more?

the only solution i can think of is to threaten extinction. humans always get riled up when they think they've seen the last of us. we should issue a memo requiring all animal union members to begin acting listless. also, since sex sells, maybe we need to get more humping footage in our current fall line-up. and more kangaroo rats. and pink babboon asses. humans love that stuff. perhaps we could also look into product placement opportunities with major corporations. i can see pet food and tranquilizer manufacturers as naturals. we'll groom their fur if they groom ours, see?

maybe we can beat them at their own game by using their gimmicks. for instance, we could vote a species out of the circle of life every week.

mr. lion, please contact me to discuss this dire situation as soon as possible! i'm really ready to stick my neck out for this cause.

sincerely,

cory the giraffe

district 45 representative

CG/mm

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