2000-06-20 | 04:12:43

i loathe sports. detest sports. prefer getting tetanus shots to watching sports. can't stand to overhear sports being broadcast. i hate the muffled, high-pitched rahhh's and wooooo's of the hollering crowd and the popping voices of the color-commentating announcers, like koi coming to the surface of a pond to get wide-mouthed gulps of air.

i abhor hearing people discuss sports. "did you see the game?" "the packers have absolutely no defense this year." i recoil in horror when someone begins to bleed from the mouth a blathering tirade of statistics about top scorers and highest career batting averages. lord have mercy on my sports-repelled soul!

i hold in abomination those televised player interviews in the locker room that always repeat the same trite platitudes. "well, they played a great game, but in the end, we dominated." "you know, the whole team and coaching staff shares this victory. and the fans, too. we couldn't do it without them."

i don't know what happened to turn me against sports. i actually like going to games in person...but you don't want to know why. well, ok, it's because of all the cool junk food and people-watching opportunities. score? replay? whatever. did you see that biker chick in the neon pink chaps? hand me that dodger dog, would ya? peanuts, over here, mr. tossing-my-snacks-to-me-over-people's-unsuspecting-heads guy.

during the recent nba play-offs, my crazy friend andy and i tried to eat a quiet sushi dinner while some obnoxious restaurant patrons were discussing the ongoing series. andy and i shifted in our seats, wishing they would shut up. we mumbled into our wasabi about our annoyance with sports as a concept. some people get riled by organized religion--with us, it was organized athletics.

"whenever i complain about the sport industry," said andy, "my mom reminds me that it employs people." thanks, andy's mom, for breaking it down for us. well, sure. what else is long-distance-peanut-tossing man gonna do for work? that's not a transferable skill. unless, of course, he gets a gig pitching mackerel to seals and dolphins at sea world. oh, don't even get me started on performing marine life...

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