2003-08-31 | 9:13 p.m.

corduroy licorice had never had the urge to lay down the law until the moment he saw his town's new female police officer.

***

whenever i see jessica simpson, i'm troubled. if ever there was an unnecessary pop culture redundancy, she would be it.

entertainment weekly recently featured this quote, which was taken from her new reality show. in this episode, she is evidently analyzing a can of tuna:

"is this chicken what i have, or is this fish? i know it's tuna, but it says chicken by the sea."

***

i didn't get to witness madonna's "open-mouthed" kisses with britney spears and christina aguilera, but the act strikes me as desperate and strangely vampiric in nature--like she is trying to suck out some semblance of youth from their pouting, pop-spewing mouths. or perhaps the queen bee diva was passing the torch along with her saliva.

her gap ad where she awkwardly bebops down a movie set sidewalk with the equally uncomfortable-looking missy misdemeanor just makes me feel sorry for her.

i've always admired madonna for being a self-marketing genius/style maven, but it seems like it's well past time for her swan song. now her attempts to shock seem more pathetic than kinetic. even her "new look" is bowery boy boring.

i guess it's hard for a superstar like her to give the adulation and attention up, but the shark has been jumped. it's time to pull a greta garbo, madge. either that, or run for governor of california.

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