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2000-09-28 | 05:03:17 i don't feel so good. i just got side-swiped by sadness. not because of anything that happened to me. but for something that happened to an e-friend when she was a little girl. my god. i was reading along...catching up on my favorite journals...when the mac truck hit me square in the forehead. i am used to giggling at this smart, sweet girl's wit. but then, she opened a door to ugliness that i was not expecting. it crossed my mind to link to the entry that i'm referring to, but that just felt wrong. like i would be pointing at someone else's pain. nothing gets to me more than children and old people being hurt. innocence and weakness being bruised by evil, evil people. i forget the ugly side of life so easily. my life has always been norman rockwellian. i remember hearing the oingo boingo song "nothing bad ever happens to me" and thinking, "hey, that's my song." my life was peaceful. i was loved and cared for. i didn't have to worry about regular meals or...anything. later, bad things started happening and i realized that danny elfman hadn't been singing about moi after all. my wonderful grandma passed away. i got laid-off from work. i started going through the relationship hell now known as my personal vietnam. i loved the plastic bag scene in "american beauty" when the teenage videographer described how sometimes the beauty of life made his heart almost burst. i know that feeling. there is another feeling that intense. the sadness of life can be just as heart-bursting. i always try to look on the sunny side of life, but sometimes i forget about the grasping shadows. and that's wrong. i can't forget because then i won't do anything about it. i don't know quite what to do about it now. what i do know is her pain jolted me out of my down comforter of cleverness. it was a wake-up call i needed to get. *** love can heal. esol knows. surf on over. his girlboy list is smile-inducing. |
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