2004-03-01 | 12:13 a.m.

corduroy licorice hoped for a return of vaudeville-style entertainment, so he bought a book to help him prepare himself: ventriloquism for dummies.

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my statuette has a first name. it's o-s-c-a-r.

the best part of the academy awards show: the nominations. it was an honor just to hear bill murray and johnny depp mentioned in the same sentence.

i'm glad sofia got a nod and i was actually relieved in a way that bill murray didn't win, because i had no idea how he could've topped his hilarious golden globe acceptance speech.

i never got why people were so excited about renee zellwhatever's cartoonish performance in cold mountain, although i've liked her in other roles. my friend p-girl and i were stone cold trippin' that she'd thank her non-nominated co-star's ex in her speech. seems a bit of a faux pas. maybe all that quality time in romania left a bitter aftertaste. next time nicole wins, she should thank jim carrey and renee for teaching her that talking out of your butt and success aren't mutually exclusive. booya!

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