2003-05-18 | 11:33 p.m.

when corduroy licorice heard that the local seafood market was closing for remodeling, he decided he'd better clam up before supplies ran out.

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a gay guy shook my hand after rear-ending me this weekend.

seemed like the polite thing to do.

after all, i had just let him off the hook for ramming his front bumper into my back bumper at a traffic light. the damage was minor--just one more scratch on my much maligned trunk's lip.

it was pretty clear from his bleary eyes and hesistant speech that he was under the influence of something at the time. i just hope he didn't do any more damage before getting his drunk ass home.

***

two movie reviews for the price of one:

spellbound is a must-see documentary tracking eight competitors in a u.s. national spelling bee. sound b-o-r-i-n-g? it's totally not! this is the stuff of real human drama. you would not believe how fascinating it is to learn about grade school kids who make it a yearlong obsession to study and spell thousands of words in preparation for the ultimate showdown.

the best part of the film was meeting the families of the kids. the dynamics in each household were so different. from the immigrant father who never bothered to learn english to the immigrant father who hires foreign-language tutors to better his son's chances, this is the kind of reality viewing hollywood should be promoting. funny, heartbreaking, nerve-rattling, this documentary is top-o-the-class entertainment.

on the fluffy tip, down with love is a tongue-in-cheek tribute to the classic doris day/rock hudson romantic comedies of the 1960s.

starring renee zellweger and ewan mcgregor, the film is jam-packed with retro-fabulous costumes and sets and a self-consciously sunny yet smug script.

renee plays an author who has just scribed a women's lib book encouraging females to eschew traditional roles and focus on chocolate, career advancement and sex without love. ewan is the playboy magazine writer who wants to seduce her heart to prove those emasculating theories wrong. hijinks ensue, of course.

the film is good fun, but it never really undoes its tie enough to revel in the cheeky conceit. it's as if the actors are intimidated by the overwhelming ambition of their undertaking.

props to ewan for taking the risky role. what a charmer he is with his shoulder-swinging savoir faire. grin inducement is guaranteed. another standout is renee's lovely and lisping editor and sidekick, actress sarah paulson. she is a scene-stealer and wore those vintage confections with aplomb. a cameo by tony randall was the cherry on top of this cinematic sundae.

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