2003-03-04 | 11:06 p.m.

corduroy licorice didn't know jack shit. the shit family had moved away before corduroy was even born.

***

i like to listen to kcrw on the drive to work every morning. kcrw is a public radio station in l.a. that provides a much better way to start the day than any morning zoo. well, i just realized today that if i arrive to the office on time every day, i will miss out on 15-20 minutes of nic harcourt's morning becomes eclectic program--a show from which i've discovered many of my coolest new music finds. i think i'm going to have to ask my boss if our company timekeeping policy outweighs my personal cultural enrichment. i think not.

this morning there was a guest d.j. since nic just had twins. her name is anne litt and she does the weekend version of eclectic, another great music source. after the depressing npr news at 9 a.m., she slid in the first selection of the show without a word. it was a beautiful, familiar piece of classical music that was like a balm for the soul. it washed away my the-sky-is-falling anxieties for a blessed bit. bach's sleepers awake was the aural salve. soon after came another soothing heartlifter in the form of stevie wonder's happier than the morning sun, which i'd never heard before. sweee-eeet. my day was made. mood elevation complete.

***

i just read a news web site headline asking "if torture doesn't work on the terrorists under interrogation, what will?"

i have an idea.

the u.s. government should take a page from the scripts of the truman show, and to a lesser extent wag the dog and capricorn one.

here's the deal. when an alleged terrorist refuses to give in during questioning, we tell him that he is getting the death penalty. trial schmial. dude, he'll totally buy it. heck, that's probably already happened to some of his cellmates. then he gets strapped in a chair in a fake gas chamber. the little pills fall in the bowl. what he doesn't know is that we've replaced the fine poison usually served on death row with a harmless chemical that just puts him out cold for several hours.

when he awakes, he finds himself in a realm of glowing white (think hollywood stage set with lots of gel lights). he looks down and realizes that he is wearing a shimmering robe that is made of the most magnificent fabric he has ever had against his skin. he hears blissful harp music and then the rumbling voice of allah (central casting can hook us up). then nubile virgins bring him a feast. he is told he has achieved eternal life through martrydom. high five!

then we get an actor to play an al-quaeda operative. he'll stroll up to the new guy and introduce himself as a fellow martyr. they'll start yucking it up over some kind of alcohol-infused elixir that the virgin chicks keep serving. pretty soon the planted martyr says, "so, mohammed. pretty impressive what you did with that embassy bombing. oh sure, we've all heard about that up here. you, my friend, rock. what other stuff did you guys have planned? i'd love to hear more."

i'm telling you, the dude's gonna spill his schemes for real. mkay?

and here i only got a "b-" in high school government class. cha!

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