2003-11-09 | 10:17 p.m.

in his job as a door-to-door flooring cleaner salesman, corduroy licorice was asked to handle some pretty tough cleaning challenges. his specialty was knowing how to get blood stains out of rugs--known in the industry as "the red carpet treatment."

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this weekend i saw a real crowd-pleasing film by the name of love actually. as i most definitely wasn't pleased by the movie, i've come to the realization that i am not a crowd. thus, i am also not a three's.

a few notes to the filmmakers:

1. please don't sully the memory of 9/11 victims by using their suffering as a cheap narration device to make it feel like your fluffy movie has some sort of heavy heart.

2. keira knightley is alarmingly pretty. we get it. that's about all we need to know about her, except for the fact that she has apparently shoplifted several strands of winona ryder's dna.

3. hugh grant is charming no matter what, even if he is laughably cast as the prime minister of great britain. and even more laughably cast as (the wonderful) emma thompson's older brother.

4. a recently widowed man jokingly telling his 11-year-old stepson that he is planning to have sex with his first post-funeral date in every room of the house--including said stepson's room--isn't funny. it's gross.

5. and don't even get me started on the bazillion characters and plotlines and queasingly contrived romantic moments. at one moment, i literally wanted to punch the screen in frustration.

6. congratulations. i'm sure you'll all become very rich and well-loved by crowds of movie-going cockeyed optimists with attention deficit disorder everywhere.

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