2003-09-23 | 11:16 p.m.

corduroy licorice liked to get to concerts 3-4 hours early when the stadium parking lot was empty. that way he could have his pick of the wide open spaces.

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some real news goodies from this week's harper's magazine e-mail:

"president bush defended his latest 'relaxation' of the clean air act and said that letting companies pollute more will lead to cleaner air."

"the national park service confirmed that the face of mount rushmore is moving."

"canada's government-grown medical marijuana was getting very poor reviews."

"danish scientists discovered that women who drink wine have an easier time getting pregnant."

"governor gray davis of california said that california has 'people from every planet.'"

***

last night i caught part of "a conversation with the president" on some network tv channel. i could only stand to watch it for a few minutes, but did get a good laugh when dubya declared himself a man of peace. he then went on to describe how the rug design in front of his oval office desk showed an eagle clutching a clawful of olive brances on one side and a clawful of arrows on the other. he pointed out how the eagle's head was facing the olive branch-wielding claw, but only because it had enough arrows in his right claw to cover its ass.

while watching, i tried to figure out what makes dubya look so damn stupid and there's something about his close-set eyes and crookedly curled lips that do evoke the primate set, as many "separated at birth"-type photo comparisons have illustrated. anyway. this made me think of a song. or rather, inspired a reworking of the lyrics of an existing song.

here is my offering below. to be sung to the tune of kim carnes' immortal trademark ditty: "bette davis eyes."

***

"creepy simian eyes"

his hair is brillo gray
his lips curled, awry
big words he struggles to say
he's got creepy simian eyes

he turns his logic off
he never stops to think twice
he's pure as texas crude
he's got creepy simian eyes

and he'll trick you
he'll totally dick you
he only cares if you're a rich dude
he's about harm
and he knows just what it
takes to make a globe warm
he uses
joe izusu's
transparent lies, he's got
creepy simian eyes

he ignores what opponents say
he picks hawkish allies
and friends like kenny lay
he's got creepy simian eyes

he bought his job in key west
but we're paying the price
makes me wanna flee to paris
he's got creepy simian eyes

he'll expose you
when he snows you
as off the map he blows you
can't control his daughters
but he knows just how to
send brave men to slaughter
all his neocon boys
think we're all spies, he's got
creepy simian eyes

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