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2003-05-28 | 10:33 p.m.

while reaching for a bottle of jack daniels on the grocery store shelf, corduroy licorice's hand slipped and knocked the whiskey to the floor. some guys just can't hold their liquor.


i once had a thing for a gorilla man. not the type you'd see at a carnival side show or nuthin'. just a regular, stocky, totally human creature who carried about him a very missing link kind of vibe.

we worked for the same company, so i would often see him walk by my open office door. his lust-inspiring long brown hair would waft behind his lumbering figure. occasionally, we'd meet eyes and smile. then i'd get that little turkey timer feeling in my stomach. bing! let's give thanks.

much time went by before we ever had the occasion to talk. chat finally occured at one of those after-work outings involving alcohol that so often nurture seedling office romances to sprout. alas, for us, it was not meant to be since i had scheduled an appointment that very night. as i departed the watering hole, i believe a bullet was dodged. you see, a friend conducting espionage in my absence later reported that gorilla man's buddies spent most of the evening badgering him to quit living with his ex-wife so that he could start dating. ahem.

well, the time came for him to get a brand spankin' new job. to mark the transition, he delilahed his samson mane into a conservative, ear-clearing cut. we crossed paths in the building lobby. i saw his close-cropped do and suddenly realized he no longer inspired thoughts of hot monkey love in me.

he was just a regular guy now who needed to drop a few along with his live-in ex.

and suddenly his rabid affection for all things star trek seemed like more of an issue.

i know it was shallow of me, but without his tangled tresses i was no longer ape over him. it was as if the primate exhibit in the zoo of my heart had closed for renovation.

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