2003-01-19 | 10:01 p.m.

corduroy licorice customized his palamino's stable to include heated flooring, gourmet hay, piped-in music and velvet-lined walls. at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, he announced his creation as, "my kingdom for a horse!"

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this weekend, at the prompting of tv zero, i went to see the film version of the musical chicago. my friend c-girl and i enjoyed it very much! it quite outdid the stage version i'd seen with clever script updates, inspired choreography and splendid editing. richard gere especially impressed me with his song and dance, but everyone did a bang-up job.

as we walked out of the theater building, a man behind us asked, "what film did you ladies just see?"

when we answered, he offered, "we did, too. it was our second time!"

we smiled and said "cool," and kept walking.

"you're velma and you're roxie," he called after each of us.

i was trying to figure out if he was hitting on us, but the guys he was with seemed to be on the other team.

"oh, yeah. they were gay," confirmed c-girl. "straight guys don't say 'ladies.'"

then i pondered why gay men love musicals so much.

"the sweaty dancers' bodies?" c-girl suggested with a giggle.

the more i thought about it, a theory formed that it's because musicals turn real-life on its ear with heightened emotion, expression and beauty. and heck, any narrative that breaks into song at the drop of a hat knows how to have a good old time.

i used to sit in my college cafeteria and look across row after row of masticating students. i liked to imagine everyone jumping up on their tables simultaneously, kicking plastic trays aside, to sing and dance in an impromptu musical number. it never happened, of course. but what a fun world it would be if something like that was in the realm of possibility. now that'd make a reality-based show worth watching.

i can hear the pitch now: joe millionaire the musical.

heck, the leading man already has his rhyme structure down. i can imagine him doing a little bit of softshoe as he sings:

"that bossy broad susan is hot,
so i'll give her one more shot!
i hope she won't have a stroke,
when she finds out i'm flat broke!"

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