2002-12-20 | 4:39 p.m.

corduroy licorice liked to cut the cheese during his shift at the sandwich shop, but he avoided slicing the deli meats.

***

i hate to brag, but all of my christmas shopping is done. momentum had been building in recent weeks with almost daily christmas errands on my list and ended in a frenzy at target last week.

scented bath gifts sets, shiny toys, sparkly wrapping and clever ornaments surrounded me in a heady swirl. as i stared in a swoony pink daze at shelves bursting with talking powerpuff girls and bratz dollz accessory kits, i realized i was like a little kid again--dreaming of christmas toys. but i really couldn't justify shelling out $20 for eight inches of girl-molded plastic in low-rise jeans and belly-baring tee for me. well, not for myself, but for a gift would be ok! right? i mean, that's what christmas is all about! a season of giving disposable plastic entertainment to those near and dear.

i knew i had hit bottom when i couldn't resist picking up a platform-shoed doll who (when you bobble her out-of-proportion head) says, "as if" 10 different ways--one with each bobble. i know someone who says that line all the time, so wanted to get it as a gag gift for her. but was that a bit too frivolous? hmmm. my impulsivity won out and as if chick was bundled into a shopping bag inside my car's trunk. all the way home from the store, whenever i hit a rough spot in the road, the little manmade blonde would chirp "as if!" in a whole new way. it was kind of like having a cd changer.

trouble is now that i've gotten her home, i think i want to keep her. she'd get along great with my talking scary spice doll. they could even dialogue if i could coordinate poking scary spice's belly button prompt with the bobbling of as if chick's head:

scary spice: i'm lazy. i'm really, really lazy.

as if chick: as if!

scary spice: people come up to me and say 'i love you!' and i'm like, 'you don't even know me.'

as if chick: as if!

as you can see, it's going to be a very merry little christmas for me. i hope the same is true for you. if you're into that sort of thing.

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