2002-11-20 | 7:27 p.m.

corduroy licorice liked to snoop around his neighborhood. he'd crank his stereo on the local rap station and call out "yo, ho!" as he passed hot girls on the street.

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welcome to a new season of nictate's online dating game.

bachelor #1 seemed promising. attractive, civically minded (not a honda reference), and he referenced ameli� in his ad profile. i don't think i can emphasize enough to any guy out there who is looking "to meet" how powerful a well-placed ameli� reference can be in wooing a modern day gal. it's the "long walks on the beach" of the '00s.

after i sent him an e-mail greeting, i started to wonder what was wrong with him. there had to be something off-kilter. he sounded too good to be true. come to find out his ad was old and he was moving to brazil for six months.

it was at this point a-girl and i decided that this was the perfect thing to announce when first meeting someone. that way, if it ends up not working out, the guy can pretend to be leaving the country--a pretty clean break, needless to say. if things do work out, he can tell the girl, "i'm staying for you. forget those sun-soaked beaches lined with thong-wearing, brazilian beauties. you're the one that i want."

well, it never got to the bun-baking beaches versus little ole me point. bachelor #1 blew me off before we ever took it "offline." as did bachelor #2, a comedic actor who i actually recognized from a show i'd seen. honestly, i contacted him more of out liking his performance than what he wrote in his ad. and, c'mon! i'm not allowed to date actors anymore. desert storm was one tour of duty too much. at least the nice thing about online rejections is that the sting is much more mild than in real life. just hit "delete."

enter bachelor #3. we have a lot in common, including a love for all things vintage and a fondness for converse sneakers (and, did you have to ask, ameli�). he seems a friendly, sweet sort and i think we're taking it to the next level...a phone call! i'm sure i'll be ready to toss my cookies when the time comes to dial his digits, but this is what is expected of me in today's society. pair up or perish.

i swear, dating is often just a sugarcoated form of self-inflicted torture, but as woody allen says, "we need the milk."*

*err, i mean eggs. thanks, baggage.

***

see how much fun one word can be.

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