2002-11-12 | 6:40 p.m.

as bad as his heartburn was, corduroy licorice couldn't cut the mustard out of his diet. he loved a good dijon like he loved a good woman.

***

*kute kids korner*

i was walking to my car yesterday when i passed two eight-year-old types kicking it just inside the open front door of their dad's bike shop. they were sprawled across the linoleum entry way, making the most of their veteran's day holiday by selling "world famous" fundraiser chocolate bars. now, i'm a bit of a chocolate snob, but i'm happy to contribute to the future of america when it comes to the pure cocoa-based satisfaction of a "world famous." they didn't get that name for no good reason, mkay?

so i says to the kids, i says: "how much for the candy?"

"two dollars," the legs akimbo, blonde bobbed girl replied. "we've got mint meltaways, chocolate with rice crispies, chocolate with almonds..."

"look!" the boy interrupted, trying to get my eye away from the neatly wrapped sweets. he pointed at a serpentine path he had choo-choo-trained together of brick colored strips of plastic. "it's the longest piece of bacon you've ever seen."

i had to agree.

"it's not bacon," the girl pooh-poohed jadedly. "it's just plastic." she handed me my almond-imbedded candy pick and i forked over two dead presidents.

the bacon boy returned without comment to his pork production line.

***

a friend and i saw brown sugar this weekend. i don't know if us being buzzed on sangria had anything to do with it, but we laughed our asses off. it was a totally charming romantic comedy with likeable characters throughout. mos def proved himself to be quite the comic actor, stealing most of the scenes he graced. unfortunately, i didn't get too much new hip-hop lingo from the dialogue. that said, it was tight movie. for real. i came away with an envy and appreciation for the warmth, humor and hope it portrayed.

***

i also saw the sarah silverman one-woman show on friday. she slayed me. i was front row center and loving every minute of it. she is dangerously funny. believe me. i've repeated some of her best lines to people and i keep getting squinched up faces and "that's nasty" as a reaction. only a couple laughs.

thank goodness tvzero busted a gut over one of her sickest offerings. judging by my secondhand performance flops, it's amazing she's been able to get such a following. few people are ready to laugh at painful, ugly subjects. i guess i'm just twisted enough to revel in it.

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