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2002-09-30 | 6:18 p.m.

corduroy licorice had rocks in his head. he was trying to capture the cobblestone look on his bathroom floor.

***

this weekend, i was approaching a crosswalk on foot. the light was red. as i stopped to wait for a green palm of beckoning, a dime rolled out of the wallet tucked under my arm. my change is always falling wherever i go, since i just shove my coins into the folds of my wallet randomly.

at the same moment my coin was rolling streetwards, this guy on his mountain bike comes cruising up next to me. as he rolls to a stop, the dime wobbles in front of his front tire. he spots the dime and brakes harder, then stops exactly on it...just a quarter moon of silver was peaking out from under the tread. a bit guiltily, he looked up at me and then back at the dime, as if to see if i wanted it back. i smiled, so he leaned under his handlebar to retrieve it for me. i thanked him and said, "i've heard of stopping on a dime, but this is ridiculous."

he threw back his helmeted head and laughed. "that's right. i can say i've done it now." at this point, in a perfectly romantic universe, he should have said, "since i saved that dime's life for you, why don't you use it to call me sometime. i'm jeff, by the way." but since it is a flawed romantic universe, i just said "thanks" again and crossed on the green as he struggled to replace a piece of his bike that had fallen off during all the folly.

oh, well. i didn't get a date, but i got a laugh.

***

the movie report from this weekend follows.

tarzan version:

igby goes down = bad

secretary = good

jane goodall version:

igby goes down

i'd heard that igby goes down was bitter and funny, and it was one of those things. ok, there were a couple of great rip-someone-a-new-one lines, but overall it was a movie about apathetic assholes. the woman leaving the theater in front of me complained to her husband, "i hated everyone!" i didn't care about the characters enough to hate them.

i thought kieran culkin was brilliant in the dangerous lives of altar boys, but he was just so-so here. jeff goldblum was fun to watch, and his mistress was cool-looking and a decent actress. other than that, i don't have much nice to say about the movie.

some people criticize todd solondz movies for being bitter and ugly without a point, but i enjoy his fisheye look at the world and the way he can get to me laugh at the wrong places. in this case, the filmmakers just did bitter and ugly without adding an interesting point of view. when igby says the supposed-to-be-funny line "i'm drowning in assholes," i didn't laugh because he was just as much a jerk as those who were submerging him.

as an added insult, i had to listen to claire danes (who bugs me to no end) talk with her mouth full. in two different scenes. then there was ryan phillipe, who i find no appeal in either, mumbling in some alien posh accent. in summary: yuck with three k's.

secretary

i was excited about seeing secretary since the trailer crossed my retinal path. it looked funny and twisted and had james spader in it. while it didn't soar as i thought it might, it hovered nicely.

the acting was terrific. james spader kept an icy simmer going and maggie gyllenhaal was, as they say, a revelation. it's a great sign when an audience will burst into laughter from just a change in facial expression, and both actors pulled that trick off quite handily.

the story is about an s&m relationship that develops between a boss and secretary. a couple of flaws in the film included the narration, which was kind of an insult to maggie's acting. her face and form expressed what was going on within her mind and heart quite eloquently enough. near the end, the film dips into using the hackneyed device of public commentary. it really diluted the power of the story, but i was still impressed when the end credits rolled. the cavernly, olive-tinged art direction was a brilliant echo of the couple's isolation and the psychology behind the story was fascinating.

while watching, i had the uncomfortable realization that a lot of the unhealthy dynamic drawing the boss and secretary together was reminiscent of my relationship with desert storm. back when we were dating, i remember being surprised desert storm wasn't into s&m stuff in the bedroom. it just seemed to fit his rebel attitude. but he definitely had the mentality down...criticizing and browbeating on a weekly basis. even though i didn't take what he dished out with a hungry grin like maggie's character does in the film, i swallowed it submissively and stuck around for more. a bit disturbing to realize about oneself, but at least i've learned my lesson since.

funny thing is, i think i saw desert storm as i was walking out of the theater. it may have been my imagination, but a fellow fitting his description and i made eye contact as i moved up the dimly lit aisle. as i squinted to i.d. him, he quickly turned his back to me to face the girl next to him who was picking up her jacket. at that point, i figured even if it was him, he didn't want to be seen, so i made a hasty exit. weirdness. but a good, odd film, if you're into that.

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