2002-06-24 | 6:04 p.m.

corduroy licorice swore like a sailor. he'd only cuss when he was over water.

***

this saturday, i went into a boutique in search of a simple tank top to match these cutie patootie floral capri pants i had just gotten at a steal of a deal. as soon as i saw the $40 price tag on a skimpy cotton number, i knew i was out of my element. despite the hoity toity atmosphere, i decided to wander around a bit to see what the rich and fashionable would be wearing this season.

a blonde woman in her early 40s was trying on a pair of those shroud-of-turin-looking, strategically sandblasted jeans by the mirror at the front of the store and asking the doting salesgirls what they thought. the woman was tan, with huge bazongas, super-skinny legs and a bubble booty.

"i don't have a good butt for jeans," the woman sighed.

"you have a great jeans butt!" one of the shopgirls insisted, "an aaliyah butt!"

"i have another pair like this and the guy i just broke up with told me, and i'll tell you why we broke up in a minute, he told me that those jeans made my butt look horrible."

"no way! what a jerk!" the smiling salesgirls sympathized.

"i know!"

at this point, i was near the back of the store and noticed a little girl, about six-years-old, coloring in a book. she was sitting on a satiny couch, swinging her de-thonged feet on the toothy surface of a throw rug. as the women chatted, the little girl peered up through her long brown locks towards the front of the store. i realized then that she must be the daughter of the been-done-wrong blonde.

"anyway, the reason we broke up is that one day we were out window shopping and he told me that my teeth were too big for my mouth!" blondie exclaimed.

"oh my god!" chorused her mirror-side court.

"yes, he told me that there was no way to pleasure a man with a mouth like that! can you imagine? then he told me not to worry, that his last girlfriend was even worse at it than i was."

"what did you do?"

"i slapped him," answered blonde mom. "he was a coin dealer. i think they're a different breed."

so after referring to blow jobs with strangers in front of her daughter--ok, she lowered her voice to a stage whisper during "pleasuring a man," but the child was definitely hearing everything--she called the little girl over.

"honey, do you like these jeans on me? you know what i like."

the girl ran up to her mom, then shuffled her feet, her eyes cast downward.

"no," she answered.

"no?!" exclaimed the salesgirl, who saw her commission slipping away.

i guess the little girl's mouth was too big to pleasure the shallow ringlet of grown women around her.

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