2002-06-06 | 4:53 p.m.

corduroy licorice gave himself some of his own medicine. he was just following the prescription label.

***

so, dude, thanks to tv zero, i had the pleasure of meeting the fabulously fresh-faced and friendly fade in. even though he is currently carless in the city of angels (an immobilizing fate no soul should suffer), he seems to be enjoying his new environs. if his sharp-witted journal writing is any indication, he should make it big in hollywood.

***

ms. winona ryder is back in court for those pesky shoplifting charges. as ryder's attorney, mark geragos, questioned saks fifth avenue's security official kenneth evans, this little tidbit was birthed:

"at one point evans said that when he first saw ryder on the video surveillance cameras he thought she was a homeless person because she was carrying so many shopping bags. that prompted geragos to ask how many homeless people saks gets wearing three-quarter length cashmere coats."

oooh, so burned are you, mr. security man. heheh.

***

one morning this week i was running late to work, as per usual, when i heard a girl across the street yelling. i looked up and saw a lass with long, permed brown hair bent over reading aloud (make that aLOUDly) from a sheet of paper in her hand to another girl sitting in the driver's seat of an idling car in front of a driveway.

"LIAR!" the girl read with vitriolic fervor, "i hope you drink away your troubles tonight...blah, mumble, blur." (meaning i couldn't hear the rest of her diatribe). i decided to mind my own business (for the moment) and put my stuff in my car to leave. when the idling car zoomed away with both girls in tow, i noticed that there were two sheets of papers now taped to the driver's side window of a red pick-up truck.

even at the risk of appearing to be a nosy neighbor, i had to know what the notes said! if nothing else, for my readers! so i waited until a blonde guy--who was leaving the apartment building the truck belonged to--walked out of sight before making my approach. since i live on a very busy street, i didn't chance walking across. i had to drive up the block a bit and flip a bitch to complete my scheme.

by the time i got to the scene of the crime, one of the note sheets had flipped over in the wind. i had to actually tamper with the evidence to read it. darn! the first sheet read "liar!" in all capital letters. the second read "i hope you drink away your troubles tonight. i was up all night vomiting and crying. you are such a liar. i don't trust anyone anymore."

wow! i guess she told him. after reading, i made sure the tape was secure. then i hurried back to my car before anyone would notice what i was doing, but--too late--the earlier noted blonde guy walked by grinning at me. caught redhanded! argh. i grimaced a "can you blame me?" guilty smile and headed off for work.

i don't know why she had to perform the note for her friend before posting it, but whatever helps the healing, yo yo. if she hadn't been hollering, i would have missed the whole scandal. i'm not sure why she felt the need to share with her deloved that she had been barfing on his account. was that really the mental image she wanted to leave him with?

although she played the fool for him (evidently) and all of his neighbors (definitely), in a way, i feel her pain. i remember after the mortifying break-up with desert storm, i had a sincere desire to spray paint "LOSER" in big, black letters on his beige balcony wall, so that his whole neighborhood would know what he was made of. fortunately, fantasizing about the defacement was enough for me.

ah, the travails of romance. whether you scotch tape it or spray paint it, love hurts.

<----������� ---->