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2002-04-10 | 5:22 p.m.

when corduroy licorice was still young, his troop leader encouraged him to tie the knot. corduroy took exception, though, saying that a boy scout of his age could in no way be ready to handle all the responsibilities that are part and parcel of marriage.

***

george dubya is doing his best to stop human cloning research. you know, he really is the perfect poster boy for the anti-people-duplication cause. i can see the public service posters now: a photo of him over the slogan: "don't let me happen again" or perhaps, "we'd rather not dub ya."

***

so, i finally like my hair again! and my new stylist charges half of what i was paying before. sounds like a win-win, rin tin tin.

but there was a price to pay for that kind of savings. let's just say that josie, my new do-doer, was not your ordinary stylist. she was a hella-assertive, well-coiffed marketing machine in pumps.

a lovely vietnamese girl with a south african accent (talk about asian fusion!) and machine-gun-rat-a-tat-tat delivery, josie greeted me with a firm handshake and vulcan mind meld eye contact. her slim, black power suit was decorated with a row of metallic hair clips that ran down the hem like so many military stripes.

"before i even begin," she began tersely, "we need to have a consultation."

with that, she clamped her hands upon my shoulders and gave me the once-over. then the staccato assault began:

"about 5' 7". model height. good eyes. good mouth. you have what we call a square face shape. we'll need to give you volume on top and narrow in by the cheekbones. what do you like about your hair? that it's soft. what do you not like about your hair? that it's too fine and you always have to wear it short. i see. how often do you wash it? every day. alright. what time of day? morning. ok. would you consider yourself conservative, trendy or avant-garde? where do you work? ah. you know, i can have you in the-hottest-from-london asymmetrical cut by...see, here's a print-out of it...by, hmmm, april, may, june, jul-...by mid-august. that will be our goal to grow to. do you use retin-a? that's good to know. i'm glad you told me. i'd like to have your eyebrows dyed to match. what? you'd rather use an eyebrow pencil? well, you know we're still getting to know each other, so we haven't built up the trust just yet. for now, i'll just go with what you're comfortable with."

then the hair manipulation began. she tossled my locks, then delivered a no-pausing-for-breath description of three different cuts she was willing to unleash upon my noggin. i, ducking in my seat under the volcanic verbal volleys, picked "c" from the multiple choice menu. then she rattled off three color options to suitably magnify my head decoration efforts. i meekly went with option "a."

without further hair-do, josie's arsenal was deployed and the edward scissorhands-esque tress-shredding began. once i was freshly mowed, josie did the detail dye work with a whirlwind of tin foil and chemical goo. departing, she delivered a swift list of marching orders to her assistants and left me at their mercy. in similar speed racer fashion, they painted up the rest of my head. finally...wash, lather, rinse and voil�! the towel came off.

"hmm," pondered josie. "i see the color didn't take so well in back. have you had problems with that before?"

i replied in the negative. she, looking for a scapegoat, placed the palm of her hand on the top of my head.

"aha! you have a hot spot. feel this!" she called triumphantly to her first sergeant-at-arms. "see? then feel the back? feel the temperature difference? see? feel the top again. a hot spot! put that on her consultation card, please. i will have to redo the back. i want it perfect!!!"

let's just say that i left the salon emotionally drained and semi-vibrating, but also sporting an ameli�-esque do in cherry red with strategically place black streaks. i like it quite a lot. and my wallet wasn't as light as it usually is when my hair takes flight. fashion without suffering. tr�s bon!

now if i can just make it through the next stage of josie's salon boot camp, i'll be fine.

ma'am, yes, ma'am. reporting for beauty duty.

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