2002-04-01 | 6:00 p.m.

corduroy licorice had a burning question: what was the flash point of smirnoff ice?

***

i wish hbo's the larry sanders show was still on. it was sooo damn funny. i just love garry "furrowed brow" shandling and the show's caustic humor. and rip torn freaking rules.

a quote from the man, rip torn:

"i used to be friends with miles davis. he didn't like many folks. i lived across the street from him. he would call me up sometimes�'i got some fish i wanna cook up for ya.' i went up there, and he was on a couch, looking out the window. he was just rapt. i said, 'what're you watching, miles?' he said, 'the traffic. where are all these motherfuckers goin'?'"

***

i read a copy of esquire magazine recently, just to see what the menfolk were up to, and found all kinds of goodies in there.

like these quotes from vacillating tv executives in an upcoming movie called run ronnie run!

"well, my immediate reaction is no, but i've got kind of a yessy aftertaste."

and

"there's a part of me that loves it. then there's this other part of me that hates the first part for loving it 'cause the second part hates it."

plus, i discovered a new movie reviewer to agree with and admire alongside mike d'angelo...esquire's tom carson. while reading his "alternative oscars" article, i nodded along cheerfully with his putdown of in the bedroom as "glum" and "overpraised" and vanilla sky as a "flabby maze." he also called the royal tenenbaums a "cornocopia of incidental pleasures" and described angelica huston's performance as containing "exquisitely calibrated wryness and vulnerability." yes, yes, yes! i love it when smart people agree with me! ha! of course, he hailed oceans eleven as one of the reasons hollywood movies are great. i beg to differ. he and i did agree, however, that don cheadle's choice of a cockney accent was a heinous misstep. i distinctly remember trying to decide if i was going to walk out of oceans eleven out of sheer boredom. it was the rhyming slang-spouting of cheadle that finally drove me into the cleansing night air. that film and tomb raider were my two walk-outs of 2001. pure, painful suckage!

***

my easter weekend trip was fun-filled. my sister and i got to see our grandma way far away. she was happy to see us without knowing who we were, as predicted. she is getting pretty senile and thinks that she still has kids in the infant stage. to sooth her worries, her live-in caretaker got her a baby doll. the baby goes everywhere with her. to the store, to church...everywhere. we didn't bring the doll to lunch, though, which was probably a mistake. every five minutes my grandma would try to pop out of the sizzler vinyl booth to look for her baby. at least 20 times we had to tell her to sit back down, and then would reassure her that the baby was home napping. she got so anxious about it. i felt really bad for her and wondered if in 50-odd years i'd be in her shoes...clutching my purse and fretting about a fake baby.

once home, she held her baby doll and talked to it and kissed its forehead--just like a little girl would play with a doll. even though it's sad to know senility has set in, my grandma is in good spirits and full of love.

when we were telling her goodbye, i sat down next to her on the couch to hug her. she took my hands and looked in my face and said, "you sure are a pretty girl." then she rubbed my cheek with her hand.

"well, grandma. i owe that partly to your DNA, you know," i told her.

she continued to stare into my face and stroke my cheek.

"well, i think that's...neat," she said softly.

so do i, grammy. so do i.

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