2002-03-18 | 7:23 p.m.

corduroy licorice was just about to hit bottom when the girl's friend intercepted his arm in mid-spank.

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a merveilleux thing happened! the divine miss throckmorton knighted me as the ameli� of diaryland. no greater compliment could be given. i fear i cannot live up to the title, but i'll do my darndest. if for any reason i am unable to perform my duties as e-imp, i know malice will be a worthy replacement.

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so my inner parent has been flummoxed about how to get my inner child to quit pigging out. i need to get in shape, gosh darnit! but as soon as i get in diet mode, i become tortured by the impeding craving denial and eat even more than i would've to begin with.

it's not like i have a long way to go--i haven't grown a dress size or anything--but every day longer that my jeans squeeze my thighs dry is a day i now rue. the last time i was delightfully have-that-extra-piece-of-bacon-sweetie skinny was after my break-up with desert storm. romantic heartbreak is the best diet known to woman. but with no lothario on the horizon, i've got to lose weight the old-fashioned way. that whole eating right and exercising bullcrap.

anyway, i whine about all this to tell you a story.

today i was in line at the retail nirvana known as the 99-cent store. i was in the check-out line. the woman in front of me had a cute little toddler who i was grinning at. all of a sudden, she asked me: "did you just have a baby?"

OHMYGAWD!!! the horror! i freaked internally. was i my tummy so pudgy that a stranger would mistake me for having just given birth????!

"no," i squeezed out, my mind swirling, my heart sinking.

then she offered, "oh, it's just that you're buying baby shampoo and baby wipes."

i almost kissed her.

***

speaking of girls kissing, i saw the romantic comedy kissing jessica stein this weekend. it's a girl-meets-girl movie. very funny, very charming, but with a few annoying flaws, just like its heroine. despite some disappointments, it made me chuckle and warmed my heart. that's worth nine bucks, i say, i say.

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