2002-02-27 | 6:32 p.m.

corduroy licorice's dad's hair had a mind of its own. it was a new product called the thinking man's toupee. designed to assist its wearer in making decisions while covering troublesome bald spots, the artificial intelligence-equipped hairpiece would also send helpful "time for a shampoo" alerts to its owner.

***

you know, sometimes olympians run in the family...and not just the track and field types. for instance, as a youth, a grandpa might have competed in speed skating and then his grandson follows in his footsteps in a winter olympics decades later.

it seems that having an olympian relative must make it easier to get into the olympics yourself. for one thing, they'd already know how to fill out all the paperwork.

***

i think i am gaining god-like status. i have suddenly been given the gift of ferreting out stupidity all around me...wherever i go. it's like a sixth sense or something.

i see dumb people.

***

conversations with 3-year-olds can be fun...

toddler: i pooted. what's that word when air comes out of your butt?

me (wondering if i should say it): um...fart?

toddler (matter-of-fact): yeah. that's it. fart.

***

me (singing in car): "i've got the music in me..."

toddler: what are you singing?

me: "i've got the music in me..."

toddler: you can't have the music in you or it will get all bloody.

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