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2002-02-01 | 7:19 p.m.

corduroy licorice decided to make a last ditch effort. after he dug one more trench, he was hanging up his shovel for good.

***

i had a doctor's appointment today. a non-stirrup-riding appointment. (for my ob/gyn exams, i insist on all-american gal marie osmond, thank you very much.) so anyway, as my female doctor was manhandling me, i was thinking, "boy, it'd be nice if a man was handling me instead."

which segues nicely into a couplet i've been saving up for you:

alas and alack,

i lack an ass to attack.

***

speaking of asses...

i think i'm gonna go ahead and hang out with desert storm. and no, it's not because i'm hard up. as a dating veteran of desert storm, i know better than to reenlist.

even though some of my friends have cautioned me against spending time with a perpetrator of past poopiness, i have a creeping case of morbid curiousity.

***

speaking of poopiness...

i was in line to check out at the 99-cent store the other day. i freaking love the 99-cent store. everything is 99 cents! i feel so rich in there.

many others share my fondness for under-a-dollar dealings, so the lines there are often quite long and sloooow-moving.

so this stylishly dressed (well, in her mind) blonde woman gets in line a couple of people behind me. she sighs at the length of the line and steps out of it to address our cashier who was a middle-aged latina woman.

"excuse me, could you get more cash registers opened up? these lines are crazy," said the blonde woman.

"oh, a lot of people are on break right now. that's why," replied the cashier. (note her use of english.)

a few seconds go by and blondie sighs again and steps out of line to address the cashier once more.

"esta posible...to open more lines?" the blonde spanglished. "i have to pick up my kids!"

esta posible?

oh my gawd! what an obnoxious beotch! um, it's obvious the cashier speaks english, dude, and if your kids are in such jeopardy why don't you drop the 99-cent hair scrunchee and anti-perspirant you're clutching and come back later?

***

speaking of obnoxious beotches...my mom...no just kidding. totally kidding!

my mom has always made these really delicious frosted cookies at christmastime, but not this year. disappointed, my sister requested that nuestra madre hook her two lovely daughters up with a heart-shaped rendition of our traditional snack versus the usual bell- or tree-shaped ones we nosh on in december.

the package of delightfulness arrived this week: about a dozen sweet clouds of sugary yumyums in a convenient tupperware container.

taped to the top of the tupperware was a handwritten note:

this may not happen every valentine's day. love ya, mom

WTF? i had to laugh outloud.

in other words, don't get used to this kind of treatment, daughter 'o' mine. i can withdraw these little favors like a hardened mafia don. when you least expect it, expect it.

why would she feel the need to write that note? couldn't we just leave it as an unspoken assumption that she might not make this gift of cookies a contractual annuity?

my sister's package contained the same missive. she let my mom know she was thrilled with the cookies, but what up with the thinly veiled threat?

"i don't know if i'll have time to do it every year, is all," replied my fully retired mom.

again, i must query, WTF?

i've been fantasizing about sending her a pointed card come this may ...

dear mom-
this whole card/gift thing may not happen every mother's day.
all my love (but no guarantees), nictate

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take a peek at these - (c) 2000-2003 nictate:

health tip
2005-03-16

health tip
2005-03-16

moving house
2004-11-19

quibbling with quitherfeather
2004-11-17

catcher in the wry
2004-11-16