2001-11-19 | 8:09 p.m.

corduroy licorice wanted to get the hell out of dodge. he was ready to drive an import for a change.

***

today tv zero made my day by pulling me aside after a meeting to hug me and tell me that not only did i look pretty, i had done a great and funny job presenting part of a project that i worked on. he ended with "how some guy hasn't nailed you down by now is beyond me."

just another one of the reasons i like where i work.

***

speaking of work...once upon a time, i worked for a video game company. they were making a sports game that had an in-game "team selection" screen featuring a photo of the "team bus" with the "team bus driver" at the wheel. as a fun way to cast the person who would pose in the bus driver's spot, they ran an inter-company essay contest. the object was to write a brief entry on why you deserved to win that coveted spot.

i wrote an essay and sent it in, fingers crossed.

it came down to two winners. me and this other guy. word on the street was that i was the clear winner, but he had political ties. since the game was on two platforms, we each got to pose and win a place in interactive entertainment history.

i bet you're wondering what i wrote in my essay, huh?

i'm way ahead of you...

"why i should be the bus driver on the team selection menu of your game"

as one reflects on the place bus drivers hold in history, one realizes that they don't really have a place in history at all. famous things have happened on buses, such as when rosa parks refused to give up her seat and struck a blow against racism, but you never hear about the bus driver who was driving the bus that rosa parks was on, do you?

famous bus drivers in the fictional world are also limited. there's ralph kramden, the grouchy bus driver of "the honeymooners" who drove a bus in a black and white tv world. nervous mother mrs. partridge tooled her musical family around in their multi-colored "get happy" bus in a 1970s world. then there's otto, the mellow hippie bus driver on "the simpsons" who drives a bus in an animated world. i suppose the most famous bus driver in recent years would have to be sandra bullock in "speed" who wasn't even certified to drive a bus, but who did a darn good job anyway, simultaneously driving her way into america's heart.

what do all these bus drivers have in common? nothing really. they were just in the right place at the right time, stepping up to the steering wheel and doing what they had to do. i, too, have nothing in common with these bus drivers. but if called upon, i would be equal to the task.

in summary, i have a clean dmv record, no criminal history that could be used by the press to sully the game's reputation, and a kind of everywoman appearance that would be nonthreatening to gamers worldwide. and think of this�by featuring a female bus driver, you will be demonstrating that our company does not promote occupational gender-based stereotypes.

thank you.

the end.

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