2001-11-14 | 6:08 p.m.

corduroy licorice knew how to put his shoulder to the wheel. most would steer clear of driving with their clavicle bones, but corduroy wasn't like most.

***

baliff: hear ye, hear ye. welcome to the court of courting. judge diaryland presiding. all rise...and put your hands in the air like you don't care. proceedings will begin in the case of nictate vs. online dating boy.

defense attorney: your honor, the defense would like to call its first witness, ms. nictate.

baliff: ms. nictate. do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

ms. nictate: whatever floats your boat, rusty. i'm down with that. the truth tip be it, y'all.

defense attorney: ms. nictate, my client stands accused of negligent loitering in a dating scenario. did you or did you not encourage this laissez-faire behavior by your own ambivalent actions towards the defendant?

ms. nictate: i may have been hard to read at times, yo, i ad--

defense attorney: --aha! don't you understand that women are hard to read even when they aren't trying to be so?! how could you confuse a dating world inherently rife with miscommunications with more perplexity?

ms. nictate: dang, dawg. i've been told i done show my hand too much in relationships. letting a honey know how sweet i am on him from the get go. i wanted to change my poker-faceless ways. the rules say play hard to get and ish.

defense attorney: the rules, ms. nictate?! the rules?!!! this is a court of law. not a court of the rules!

prosecuting attorney ( j.cochran): objection, your honor! badgering the witness!

judge: overruled. proceed.

defense attorney: so, ms. nictate, you admit to being an enigma wrapped in a riddle?

ms. nictate: i ain't no eggroll of romance. sheet.

defense attorney: your witness.

prosecuting attorney (eyebrow raised): ms. nictate, did you or did you not initiate most of the dates you and the defendant planned?

ms. nictate: true dat. at about a 3 to 1 ratio, sir.

prosecuting attorney (strokes chin): so your date don't leave the gate unless you initate. and were you or were you not the originator of most of the electronic communications conducted between the two parties in question during the development of the relationship? and did you or did you not initiate the one and only time�in five months of dating�that you two actually "made out" in any significant way?

ms. nictate: sir, yes, sir.

prosecuting attorney (holds up finger pointedly): if the boy don't put out, the butler should show him out. so perhaps any foggy machinations on your part were merely a normal reaction to the mixed messages being emanated by the defendant?

ms. nictate: word.

prosecuting attorney: members of the jury...submitted for your approval. if the party of the first party is ambivalent and the party of the second party reacts to that ambivalence in self-defense, i see only one conclusion: when neither one's gung-ho, you got to let it go.

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