2001-10-05 | 8:10 p.m.

corduroy licorice was so happy when he found his niche in life. it was a little crevice in the rocks down on the shoreline. he liked to wedged himself in there and listen to the waves for hours. it was a really narrow cranny...good thing he had a narrow fanny.

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i dig precocious kids.

kids who use big words and know more than they should.

kids who know how to ham it up.

miniature drama kings and queens with super-sized imaginations.

if i knew i'd have a kid like that, i'd have a kid.

so anyway, for now i rely on the kooky kid stories of others to keep me entertained. luckily, my friend l-girl has a niece like no other. i'll call her sally.

she's a cherubic beauty who is approaching 4. here are some of her best moments to fulfill your recommended daily hilarity allowance.

sally story #1: sally the moody superstar

sally likes to listen to the overture from the musical "jesus christ superstar" over and over and over again. i'm not familiar with the piece myself, but evidently it is quite ominous in tone. so l-girl is playing this record for sally during one babysitting gig. sally is bopping around the living room when she suddenly stops, whirls her smiling face toward her auntie, and pronounces animatedly:

"i don't know why i'm so attracted to scary music, but i really love it!!!"

sally story #2: sally the small adult

sally doesn't like to be spoken to like a child. "talk grown-up to me, mom!" she'll insist. l-girl asked her how she felt about turning four this month. her sigh-filled reply:

"my birthdays are just not coming fast enough. i want to be a grown-up. i want to be at least 16. i definitely want to be older than the other kids in preschool. definitely."

sally story #3: sally the film buff

l-girl told sally she wanted to take the little lass out to see a movie. sally's take on it:

"oookay, but it has to be a grown-up movie. they'll need to go to a restaurant and have pizza and chocolate. and there should be lots of ornaments all over."

l-girl's response: "oh, so you want to see a romantic comedy."

(no humor slouch herself, that aunt.)

sally story #4: sally the seer

(disclaimer: this story is not peta-approved. only certain twisted minds will enjoy it...like meeeeee!)

sally's family has an elderly cat. sally's mom is always telling her, "be careful with mr. fipps. don't pet him too hard. he's old and fragile."

so one day, sally walks into the kitchen and says in a sing-song voice: "mommy, i know something mr. fipps doesn't know."

distractedly, the mom asks, "oh yeah? what do you know that mr. fipps doesn't know?"

in a glenn close-blinking-the-table-lamp-on-and-off-inspired hiss, sally replies:

"he's gonna die!!!"

ahahahaha! i'm sorry. that makes me bust a gut.

sally story #5: sally the sorrowful

so a few days later, mr. fipps gets so sick he needs to be put to sleep. sally is quite torn up. (evidently not from predicting the poor kitty's demise.) riding in the car to pre-school, sally somberly says:

"mommy. i'm so sad mr. fipps died. now i only have one cat to pet and he bites!"

mom: "well, maybe we can get a new cat one day."

sally: "you can do that? how?!"

mom: "well, you go to the pound or to the pet store and pick out a new kitty."

sally (deflated): "that's not going to work. everyone else who has a dead cat will get there first and there won't be any new cats left for us."

i love sally. i hope you do, too.

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