2001-09-13 | 6:09 p.m.

corduroy licorice liked to watch the boob tube. it was a new cable channel which had the slogan, "all breasts, all the time." its claim to fame was a 24-hour mam cam.

***

i was trying to think about what to write after all that has happened this week. at first i thought, i shouldn't write anything...because what can i say without coming off like a cheap, careless hallmark card?

while i understand how the nationwide candlelight vigils, wearing red, white and blue and waving flags from rooftops can help some people cope with this horror, all that stuff feels a bit wrong to me. rather, wrong for me. it seems like hollow, chest-pounding stuff. it doesn't send a message to our enemies. they couldn't care less. it's as if the cheerleaders from saturday night live said right now, "you know what the USA needs? the perfect cheer."

there's no way to fix this or heal this. even retribution is going to taste bitter. of course, we have to fight back before this terrorist menace grows. the world's future is at risk. i know that the US has the firepower to fight back, so i don't fear that, but it's not going to be pretty. more innocent lives will be lost.

one thing i am grateful for is that my friend in nyc was unharmed (at least physically) by the disaster. i wasn't personally touched by loss, but the people in the office next door lost two co-workers. that is close enough to feel the shadow of death. i still wake up at night and try to replay the tape in my head to change the ending. like pablo so aptly described...it's like a bad bruce willis movie that keeps playing over and over and over. i try to imagine what it was like on the planes...in the building...unimaginable horror. i want to cry. i want to throw up.

the world seems off-kilter. police helicopters in my neighborhood become battlefield choppers in my mind. i feel a little gasp of fear and anger when i cross paths with a person of middle-eastern descent...then quickly do a mental slap across the face to myself...feeling ashamed and guilty that i would have racist thoughts like that...almost involuntary...instinctual...but nevertheless shameful.

it does help to talk about it. it helps to donate to the relief. it helps to draw loved ones closer to let them know how much they mean. sadly, it will help to feel revenge. it will help to hurt those who have cut so deep and cruelly. another instinctual, almost involutary drive.

justice must be done.

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