2001-04-07 | 12:15 a.m.

corduroy licorice was full of piss and vinegar. he had chugged a whole jar of leftover pickle juice before realizing he wasn't near a restroom.

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i have a lot to share today, so better pack a lunch!

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sometimes something will occur which changes everything in a moment. it can be the simplest catalyst that triggers a skull-rattling epiphany. a perception bomb goes off, collapsing the outward facade and the eyes see sharper than ever before. the filmy residue is wiped away. the breath is drawn in quickly. the adrenaline charges from rib to fingertip. every ounce of you is a livewire and you realize you've just woken up. and sometimes you awaken to regrets that have left a bad taste in your mouth. missteps made in the past that can't be taken back. but it feels good to be awake...finally. it feels good because part of you knows you'll never be lulled asleep in that same way again.

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someone once told me: your perception is your reality.

if you perceive something to be true, whether it is or isn't becomes almost immaterial to you. if you perceive yourself to be persecuted, you will behave as a persecuted person does, which will, in turn, alter your reality--a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing.

likewise, if your perception is that you're lucky to be alive, the world's gonna look different to you. even simple things will seem wondrous.(i feel like i'm stepping on esol's territory here. he's better with the philosophy on life stuff.)

my point is that we are potential prisoners of our own perceptions. i had dinner with a friend this weekend who has a very tweaked perception of his world. he expects the worse and, since he's always on the lookout for it, often finds it. then he thinks, aha! my beliefs are confirmed! everthing does suck! everyone does hate me! his perception is his reality.

i remember seeing a magazine ad years ago for a health club. cher was their spokesperson. the headline was a quote from cher: "the only thing you can change is yourself, but sometimes that changes everything."

for some reason, that silly gym ad really made me think. it inspired me, too. not to do arm curls or stomach crunches...hell, no! but it made me realize that i had a say in my destiny and that perhaps through my actions and efforts i might have a positive impact on other people's lives or on the world in general. and if not that, i could take charge of making my life the best it could be...no small feat for any of us, but definitely worth shooting for.

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i saw the thriller memento this weekend. it was a brilliant mental puzzle. it took work to watch it and to process what was happening on-screen, but what a incredibly cool challenge. the story is told backwards, which creates a very dissonant mood...a perfect device to get the audience into the story and to help viewers identify with the main character's "condition." it's one of those movies that stays with you...in fact, my brain is still recovering from the mental jogging that film required.

when i see a movie like that, my faith in the power of creativity and the power of the cinema are renewed. i felt the same way after seeing american beauty. even o brother, where art thou? considering how hard it is too get movies made...especially good movies...it is inspiring to see that a filmmaker had the chutzpah to be true to their vision in the face of ridiculous odds.that's worthy of an academy award in itself.

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i went to the rose bowl swap meet this weekend for some treasure hunting with my sister and some girlfriends. we had a good old time discovering hidden gems.

i found a record rack from the 50's made for storing LPs. it looks so cool. i love the lines of it. plus, i actually have records to store in it. my apt. "retro-fitting" continues!

sometimes celebrities shop there, too. today s-girl spotted james van der beek. my fellow shopper c-girl overheard someone saying that they had just seen pamela lee, too. i was kinda hoping pam and i would cross paths later in the day. it would have been really cool for the queen of baywatch to glance over at my swap meet find and say, "nice rack."

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after seeing blow this weekend, torrez was inspired to offer his take on the drug debate.

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wink of the day:

do yourself a mighty kind favor and visit the diary of genghis jon. i discovered his diary through tv zero and was much obliged. he's not only a great writer, he is funny and sincere and smart and wise beyond his years. genghis jon, you rock. mm/

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