2001-01-25 | 06:41 a.m.

corduroy licorice grew up on a farm. one of his chores was to count chickens before they hatched. he was always in the coop sorting the ivory orbs: "one, two, three, four...." when he finished counting the eggs, he put them all in one basket.

***

ok, i've gotta come clean. today torrez accused me of living a double life. he said that i've been playing everyone for fools with this sweet and nice ruse i've got going on. then in one of his entries, tv zero goes and says i'm one of the nicest people in the world.

well, i have a confession to make. i'm not so nice.

it's not like i'm going around letting air out of tires or anything, but there are cracks in my goody-goodness.

for instance. today i was in the greeting card row of a store. they already had the mother's day cards out. a few of the extra fancy ones caught my eye, so i picked them up to see if the inside verse was as nice as the outside design. i read a couple. the schmaltzy, waxing-philosophical sweetness of them almost elicited an involuntary dry heave in me. i got annoyed and then thought, "wait. isn't mother's day in f*cking may? what the f*ck am i dealing with this now for?"

that's not nice! using the f word in the same breath as "mother's day" is not nice!

when i got home, i was flipping around the channels and saw that the gilmore girls was on. now tv expert tv zero is always singing that show's praises. plus, esol writes about swooning for the lead actress, and shaela cat once commented how cute the mom and daughter on the show were. so these folks and the critics are raving! right? right.

sorry guys, i've tried to watch the show before and couldn't take it. today was no exception. my cavities ache with a vengeance at the perky, pouty peppiness of the dialogue and acting. oh my gosh, i had to turn it off after five minutes! anything cloying is soy annoying to me.

but that's not nice to dis a single mom and her precocious teen, both struggling to find their place in a confusing modern world!

you know those inspirational e-mails people forward that are full of uplifting thoughts and homespun words of wisdom? i cringe at the sight. when i hear garrison keillor talking about handsome men and strong women, i think one thing as i flip the radio dial..."woe, be gone!"

i also gossip about people and think mean, critical thoughts about them. ok, often they deserve it, but sometimes they don't. a friend of mine is dealing with a work situation where her employee is bad-mouthing her behind her back, which, of course, hurts her feelings and makes her feel undermined. after hearing the story, i thought "what a beotch that work woman is!" but as a glass house resident, i best not be chucking rocks.

'cause throwing rocks isn't nice!

you know what's nice? riunite on ice. if you get that joke, you're super old. heh.

oops! ageism isn't nice either. i'd better go to bed before i cause any more damage.

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