2001-02-16 | 04:55:24

in a moment of clarity came the realization that my little bundle of selfish needs and insecurities and bruises were soothing themselves in a way that might have been making another even more black and blue.

i like to think of myself as a sweet and likeable person who is the only victim of her flaws. then i realize that my flaws are not invisible and undetectable to others.

this makes me feel like the edward scissorhands of anxiety.

the blades on my hands are polished weapons forged by insecurity, jealousy, control issues, feelings of loss, remorse, frustration and fear.

this realization hurts, too. ouch all around.

***

lyrics from "everything must go" by the weakerthans, an amazing canadian band:

"garage sale. saturday. i need to pay my heart's outstanding bills. a cracked-up compass and a pocket watch, some plastic daffodils, the cutlery and coffee cups i stole from all-night restaurants, a sense of wonder (only slightly used), a year or two to haunt you in the dark, a wage-slave forty-hour work week (weighs a thousand kilograms, so bend your knees)--comes with a free fake smile for all your dumb demands, the cordless razor that my father bought when i turned 17, a puke-green sofa, the outline to a complicated dream of dignity, and a laugh (too loud and too long). for a place where awkward belongs, or a phone call from far away with a 'hi, how are you today,' and a sign that recovery comes to the broken ones. or best offer."

<----������� ---->