2001-01-09 | 04:24:58

i have pretty glasses.

hi.

yep. for once in my life, i have glasses i would leave the house in.

the ugly frame curse has finally been lifted after nigh these three decades i have walked the earth.

it started out without me even knowing i needed glasses--ugly or otherwise. i was in first grade and they lined us up in the microscopic school cafeteria, dimmed with only natural light instead of the usual fluorescents.

i was nervous that it was my turn to walk up to the ladies testing us. they asked me which way these funny "E's" were facing. i did as well as i could, but they started whispering in concerned voices. my heart did a little leap and my palms got all sweaty. i can still picture the blurry faces of the kids in line staring at me. what was wrong with me??? i knew something was. the whispers told me so.

myopia, yo.

i was what they call near-sighted. still am. near-sighted by a long shot. if i wasn't wearing contacts, you'd look fuzzy to me right now.

my mom took me to fedco department store to pick out some frames. problem with needing glasses is that you can't see how the frames look on you. i'm not sure where my mom's fashion taste had up and checked out to, but as i sat on a brown vinyl swivel stool at the optician counter with the pressure of a white-jacketed helper awaiting my choice, i somehow came to a conclusion. i looked at my blurred reflection and said, "i like these!" and thus began a lifelong streak of god-awful eyewear.

my coloring was pale and dishwater-blondish. my first glasses were the darkest of dark browns. neon would have been more unobtrusive.

when i put my first pair of glasses ever on, i was shocked at how the world came into sharp relief. holy shit! you mean the world's not supposed to be hazy and blended-looking? you mean all you other people have been seeing these sharp edges and bold letters and clear shapes all this time? how long has this been going on?

i felt dizzy walking across the parking lot in the sunshine. when i looked at the ground, it seemed to curve up to meet my feet...*gulp*

they felt funny on my face. they bugged my nose. i didn't want to wear them. didn't want to be called "four eyes."

i hid them in my desk at school, but my mom and ms. duncan, my lovely, long-locked teacher, were onto me and forced corrective lense compliance.

oh, and then there were the grey, cat-eye glasses in fourth grade that i partially blame for causing me to fail to win the heart of the young richard b. and then more dark, squarish, ugly ones on up through eighth-grade graduation. i think of it as my seven-year awkward stage.

finally, in high school came contacts. thank goodness! and braces (oh, did i mention my teeth were quite awry, as well?). so yes, contacts and orthodontia helped to make my attractiveness approach normal range.

the bad haircuts would continue for years after. as did the ugly "back-up" glasses. i'd pick discontinued frames to save dough since they were just for emergencies. the lenses would be coke-bottle thick (since i'm in the 20/200,000 range).

actually, i asked my last optometrist how i would rank on the 20/20-? measurement chart and he just laughed. my new optometrist said, "well, i think we could probably make an 'E' big enough for you to see. alright, follow me over here and have a seat in the grey blur."

and now, thanks to a charming 60-year-old british optician named nigel, i finally have a pair of pretty glasses.

oh, you should see them. rectangular auburn frames with a pale green rim. i wore them to school (ok, work) today, so that all the kids (ok, co-workers) could check them out. i was barraged with compliments. barraged, i tell you.

so now instead of being ready to call in sick rather than wear glasses to work, i'm all four eyes and a bag of chips...not one of 'em broken.

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pinkjelly talks about hot dates and dreamy guys over at girlboy today...

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