catch some winks

2001-01-04 | 02:47:11

hello, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the first annual nictate awards!

it's a star-studded evening here at the dorothy chandler pavilion. why, isn't that jennifer lopez coming up the red carpet? yes, it is! you know, she stunned the world with her tropical, cut-down-to-there versace gown at another awards show and she hasn't disappointed here. let's see if we can pull her aside for a moment. jennifer! jennifer! over here! hi, i'm tiphany with ndc news. hi! you look gorgeous tonight. who did your gown? saran wrap? lovely! good luck tonight with your nomination! kisses to puffy! bye now! ok, the voice in my headset is telling me that we're about to go live from the auditorium. enjoy!

*cue dramatic theme music*

and the nictate awards go to...

*movie category*

best film of the year - "dancer in the dark" - beautiful, tragic, pure

best actress - bjork in "dancer in the dark" - her naivete was breath-taking

best actor - albert finney in "erin brockovich" - he steals the likable grump torch from lemmon and matthau and runs with it

best supporting actress - jennifer coolidge in "best in show" - her anna nicole smith-esque role was a knee-slapper

best supporting actor - john turturro in "o brother, where art thou?" - dumb has never been so charming

best director - lars von trier for "dancer in the dark" - a genius, for real, yo

best comedy film - tie - "best in show" - christopher guest and his faux documentary format are a match made in heaven * "american movie" - talk about a funny semi-documentary. real-life pathos and humor, man. real-life pathos and humor

most refreshing film of the year - "o brother, where art thou?" - the coen brothers never cease to amaze me with their funkalicious wackiness and packed-with-word-love dialogue

best "love" scene (no sex takes place, actually) - "second chance date" scene in "unbreakable" - not only was the backlit scene beautiful to look at, the dialogue was rich and tenuous as a couple discusses their tarnished relationship

best foreign film - "yi yi" - the director, edward yang, made magic with reflections on glass and reflections on life

best mood establishment in a film - "the virgin suicides" - director sophia coppola created a translucent teen girl dreaminess in her film that was hypnotic to watch

best "pure hollywood magic" movie - "erin brockovich" - sure it was a formula piece, but it was a story well-told, involving and fun to watch. julia roberts showed as much chutzpah as she did cleavage

best screenplay - "fight club" - cool beyond belief and even improved on the book

best music in a movie - "selma songs" by bjork from "dancer in the dark" - moody and heart-wrenching, just like the film

*music category*

best album - "kid a" by radiohead - some think it's too arty, but i think it's pure heaven. music to sooth the tortured soul

best band other than radiohead - travis - they're good eggs who make amazingly lovely pop

best pop single - "you're an ocean" by fastball - instant foot-tappin's gonna get you. pure pop confection never sounded so sweet

best "new" band - the weakerthans - blame canada for this smart and heartfelt pop/rock goodness

best hip-hop/rap song - "the real slim shady" by eminem - he may be hated, but he's probably second behind madonna in marketing smarts and he's got an ear for words and tunes that hook ya

best in class - aimee mann "bachelor no. 2" - she is the queen of intelligent life-revealing lyrics and sweet, sad melodies

best hip-hop/r&b group - destiny's child - these girls have it goin' on. pumpin' sassiness times four

best cheesy goodness song - "bye, bye, bye" by n'sync - i know, i know, but bubblegum can be good, too!

*internet awards*

best entry romanticizing flatulence - torrez

best beacon of positive vibes and good humor - esol

best dreamy girlosity - maganda

cutest darn thing ever - iota

rock'n'writer award - baggage

lifetime achievement award - proven

sweet as molasses award - rhetoric

bruised beauty award - malice