2000-08-28 | 05:16:58

tonight i had sex with a phil collins look-alike.

kinda.

actually, it was only simulated sex. we kept our clothes on.

and my partner didn't bear any real resemblance to the former lead singer of genesis.

"wha-wha-what?" you ask?

ah, blame it on the improv.

this week my teacher had us pick random slips of paper from a mcdonald's happy meal bag. a pair of students would go up on stage. one would read the first line of the scene from one of the aforementioned paper slips. then the other would read the second line of the scene. the lines were purposely written to be absurd and unrelated. the trick was trying to make sense--and a scene--out of the two incongruous statements.

in my scene, i had the first line.

i unfolded my slip of paper and delivered it.

"if you put your hand down my pants, i'll let you keep whatever you find," i said, motioning my hands in a "come hither" way.

the line on his slip of paper?

"i wish i was phil collins."

moment of blind panic. then he kicked in with more dialogue:

"i wish i was phil collins! he's so good with the ladies! he'd know what to do in a situation like this!"

i said, "it's true, you know that song, sussudio? well, the word sussudio is a euphemism for a woman's private parts."

"oh really?" my partner, brian, asked. "why, i've got that album right here!" he pantomimed reaching for the lp and then showed it to me.

"put it in my pants!" i prompted, pulling my waistband away from my tummy. he obliged and shoved the "invisible" album "down under."

i began to act like i was getting hot under the, ah, em, collar. it was at this point brian began to explain how he had shaved his head to look like phil and how know he was ready to bring his little phil out to play.

i told him, in no uncertain terms, that i wanted his little phil in my sussudio, stat!

then we went at it on the classroom floor. don't worry, not too graphic. missionary position. during the throes of love-making-faking, brian said,

"take that you rock-n-roll-loving-leather-wearing joan jett impersonator! i'm putting another dime in your juke box, baby!"

i responded, "there's something in the air tonight and something in joan jett tonight, too!"

it was at this point, looking up into the pumping-forward face of my classmate, who i had just met that night for the first time, i had to laugh outloud in spite of my character. my mind was searching for a punchline, but i was speechless. then he set me up.

"crimson and clover!" he chirped, still pumping.

i groaned encouragingly, "over and over and OVER!"

i think you can see why i can't get my phil of improv class. (now it's your turn to groan.)

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