2000-08-26 | 09:09:26

i like stuff.

i like having stuff.

my apartment is a swelling-at-the-seams stuff container.

i like shopping.

i like buying stuff.

buying stuff makes me feel safe and loved. loved by me. it releases some kind of endorphin. plus, i end up having all these really cool things to listen to, admire and use.

did i say like? nah, i LOVE to shop. i LOVE stuff. i LOVE having stuff.

i have too much stuff. WAY too much stuff. more stuff than you can shake a stick at. more stuff than the law allows. more stuff than i know what to do with.

ok, this is starting to sound like a george carlin monologue. if you haven't heard his take on stuff, it's just brilliant. maybe i should get that show of his on tape...sounds like a shopping opportunity to me!

tonight i was watching my (newly purchased) copy of "fight club." believe it or not, this is the first time i've seen it. i just knew i would like it enough to own it. plus, friends and its trailer had convinced me. plus, it was something i could own at the previously viewed marked-down price of $6.99. just a few dollars more than the rental fee. see, i can totally rationalize each stuff i buy.

so anyway, brad pitt says something to the affect of "eventually, the stuff you own starts owning you." it's so, so true.

in "sex, lies and videotape," james spaders' character explains that everything he possesses can fit in his trunk. he's happy to only have car keys to deal with. even extra lock-opening devices would seem an unnecessary burden.

that's one of the things that moving to new york would give me. an excuse to get rid of stuff. i would have to get rid of most of my stuff. strangely enough, i like that idea. A LOT. we're talking monster yard sale. it's good stuff. stuff people would snap up. i know i don't have to move to new york to streamine my operations, but it would make parting with it less sweet sorrow.

all i need is my cds. and my movies on tape. and my computer and phone. that's all i need. and my clothes. i'll need those. and my photo albums and journals. and books. and a place to sit and a place to sleep. and a lamp for nighttime. and various toiletry items. and towels and sheets. but that's all i need. oh! and my tv and vcr and boomshakalaka box.

sometimes i look around my apartment and see things with imaginary price tags attached. the thought of how much income i've invested in durable goods and sundries is staggering. i nickel and dime myself to death. oh, i've gotta have that talking scary spice doll! i just have to! oh my gosh, that import magazine has these super-cool, mid-century pictures of tranvestites at their self-made retreat called "casa suzanna." (the magazine's called "nest". check it out if you get a chance this month. the photos are sad and beautiful and fascinating. plus, the couple on the front cover is wearing scratch-off swimwear.) ok, the magazine was $12, but i had to have it! oh yeah, and that top with pink leopard velour sleeves? oh yes, it will be mine. so you see, i had to get all this stuff for one reason or another. it would have been like sophie's choice to leave anything i now have behind in a retail establishment (a.k.a. house of satan).

on a related note, ever since the daunting fire safety film i watched in fourth grade, i have had a gnawing fear of fire. a fear that my house or office is gonna burn, baby, burn.

that one day i will come home to a black, scorched-out box. neighbors staring. appalled. just like ed norton does in "fight club." it is at once horrifying and freeing to consider that. the only thing i would really bemoan would be my photos. those are the only non-replaceable things. everything else, i could buy again.

did somebody say "buy"? let the drooling begin!

i'm just weird enough to think that now that i've written that, it's gonna happen. i so just cursed myself. shit. to think of the pink leopard velour going up in smoke! scary spice, singed beyond recognition--"i want to be your kindling!" oh man. the humanity! the humanities! i've got to go to my fire-retardant happy place--fast!

ok, so now you think me a materialistic, fire-fearing freak. did i mention i have OCD and intimacy issues? bleh. wanna date? i have a lot of cool stuff!

ok, i'm off to bed. tomorrow is saturday. i think i'll go shopping.