fresh�| day old�| links�| e-mail�| guestbook�| diaryland

2000-07-28 | 04:08:11

well, there was one more day i spent in new york, and it was great, too. hanging out with cool people and doing cool things. you all know who you are. but right now i don't feel like being all clever and chipper and punny and funny and relating sparkling stories of hobnobbing and heel-kickin'.

ok, so i'm depressed again. i feel silly even calling it that. i know there are people with serious, diagnosed depression who deal with it on a long-term, daily basis. for me to cry the blues reeks of selfish whining.

my brain chemicals are alarmingly well-regulated. well, ok, except for the ocd, of course. but i'm almost always happy. even when i'm down, i can usually quickly talk myself out of it. i can turn something crappy over and over in my mind until i find something good about it. positive self-talk and all that shit the psychologists rave about.

well, tonight i'm feeling sorry for myself AGAIN. just like i did on monday night. GEEZ. get over it already, self. stupid ass. you have so much to be grateful for. you make me sick with your self-pity and tears and sobs of breath. ugh. get away.

do i even have to reveal this is guy-related? the guy thing is the only screaming abyss in my world at this time. i've harped on that long enough, but squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?

i feel like i keep playing with matches, but the fire just won't catch. my fingers are getting all black with carbon and the little sandpaper scratchy strip on the matchbook is wearing thin. and to top it all off, i'm out there squirting copious amounts of lighter fluid on the point of ignition hoping to fan the flames, but instead i'm dampening them with my enthusiasm. "c'mon! light! you can light, dammit! think of the fun glow we'll share!" sure, i know most of this wood isn't the best kindling, but i'm cold and want to generate some kind of heat and light, no matter how soon it sputters out. as an added bonus, i keep reaching for matchbooks that i know are empty, hoping i'll find one last match i might have overlooked--the missing link that will get things burnin' for real.

i flirt like fire and it feels so good while it lasts. the match sparks and burns for a bit, but then it's the blackened stub staring back at me. where is the wood? WHERE IS THE WOOD? other people have about three bonfires going simultaneously. lumber is getting chucked at them all the time. I WANT WOOD, TOO! just a couple of two-by-fours will do...i ain't looking to build a house, for god's sake. ah, hell, six inches of wood would do. damn. i'm wacked.

what i'm trying to say is, these frustrations make me want to abandon fire as a concept altogether. what were those stick-rubbing cavemen thinking?! dumb-ass cro-magnons.

actually, part of the reason moving to new york seems so appealing right now is that it represents a whole new lumber yard of dating. a fresh start. funny sidenote: i was telling my friend's french-canadian boyfriend that i was thinking of moving there. he used to live in the city with a former girlfriend. i mentioned that it was exciting to think about meeting new guys and dating there. his heavily accented, in-all-seriouness reply? "but i must warn you, in new york, they fuck the first night." ahahaha! ok, i'm starting to cheer up a bit remembering that zinger.

well, bottom line is, i'm tired of being sweet and funny and charming and ALONE! dammit. sweet feels like shit right now. i'm sick, sick, sick of it. i like you, but. i like you, but. i like you, however.... it should be enough to be liked, i know. i know. that's special in itself. i've gotta chill, man. i know, i know.

ha! so that's how i am right now. aren't you glad you asked? i knew you would be.

<----������� ---->


take a peek at these - (c) 2000-2003 nictate:

health tip
2005-03-16

health tip
2005-03-16

moving house
2004-11-19

quibbling with quitherfeather
2004-11-17

catcher in the wry
2004-11-16