2000-07-06 | 04:13:20

you know, the song in the new chili's restaurant tv commercial about boneless buffalo wings has none, i repeat, none, of the can't-get-it-out-of-your-head-except-by-papal-exorcism magic of their baby back ribs song. (some of you may question the "magic" quotient of even the original, but it's like the crack of the jingle world...admit it.)

the televised singers touting this would-be noshing phenomenon seem to know that the song's gonna flop. they aren't putting their hearts into their performances and it shows. and how lame is the idea of BONELESS buffalo wings, anyway? who can blame the actors' lack of enthusiasm?

part of the appeal of buffalo wings is that hard-fought mastication manipulation to get that hard-won, little divot of meat off the splintering chicken wing bone. it takes time and dedication to wrestle that little carnivorous tidbit off. it involves eye/hand coordination rivaled only by quick-twitch shooters like quake III arena. would id software release boneless quake III arena? i think not, my friend, i think not.

boneless buffalo wings, chili's? what were your marketing honchos thinking in that menu meeting? geez louise. all the sport of buffalo wing consumption has been removed! it's like cockfighting without the beaks and ankle blades!

i can't blame chili's for trying to recapture the watershed moment of public popularity that carried the baby back ribs song to the pinnacle cultural reference status of inclusion in "austin power 2." who could?

maybe it's the old sophomore curse. greater musical talents have suffered it. the band mr. mister, to name a one.* (yes, i said "greater musical talents" in regards to the late '80s, trench-coat-wearing pop slicksters, but i'm comparing them to a chain-restaurant-snack-promoting advertising tune written by madison avenue hacks, yaknow?}

in summary, mike myers ain't gonna be putting on kilts to sing this tune, chili's. wake up and smell the ranch dip.

*editor's note: ok, ok, so according to cdnow.com, in actuality, mr. mister's second album was their hit release, rendering my sophomore curse comparison above entirely erroneous. but the whole serendipitous "broken wing"/"buffalo wing" tie-in was as yummy as the snack we now discuss. yay, ignoring facts is fun!

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