2000-05-30 | 03:10:34

Your Weekly Hortensescope

Aquarius

Your dreamy nature will cost you big time when you find yourself running away to join the touring company of "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum."

Pisces

Your affectionate tendencies may lead you to trust the wrong person, perhaps even a telemarketer. Better stay home and stencil the bathroom like you�ve been meaning to do.

Aries

Erratic driving on your part is sure to result in an incident of road rage or a run-in with the long arm of the law. It's time to come to the realization that you, like Sammy Hagar, can�t drive 55.

Taurus

You will wake up with a sore throat and vague memories of a drunken kareoke performance the night before. You won�t remember knowing the lyrics to "Gigi" by heart, and yet that�s what the police report says.

Gemini

No longer at odds with your inherent dichotomy, you decide to have the stuffing AND potatoes for dinner.

Cancer

Your big heart causes you to adopt a new member to your family. Whatever it is, make sure it's had its shots. There�s a lot of stuff going around.

Leo

A call comes in for a golden opportunity involving someone on the Baywatch cast. It will involve car detailing and a Q-tip. Just remember, Hasselhoff is a perfectionist.

Virgo

Patience is a virtue�especially when you have the number 95 in the deli line when the counter is on 82. Better get enough knockwurst to last you all week.

Libra

Can you say "rehab"?

Scorpio

A shellfish incident will leave you reeling and questioning your very existence, but think of the money you'll save with your impromptu, do-it-yourself high-colonic.

Sagittarius

You will be visited by a relative from afar with a beard. They'll ask for separate rooms.

Capricorn

You will have an epiphany within feet of a Nordstrom department store. Do not fear your revelation. Embrace it. Then make the rounds in Brass Plum. You�ll be amazed at what they�re doing with Lycra now.

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